Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-03-13 22:56:00 |
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Yawn and Cynical Romantic
Dear Lizzy,
I am not a morning person. When I walk in to work from the parking lot in the morning (which takes 5-10 minutes), I'm still waking up. I'm grumpy and tired and I don't feel social yet. I want to have a last minute of quiet time to clear my head before I start the day. So what do I do when a co-worker sees me walking in at the same time and wants to chat? Once someone says "Hi" to me, I don't know how to get rid of them.
Signed,
Yawn
Dear Yawn-y,
People generally respond by the signals we give. If they persist in acting ways we don't like, either they're completely oblivious, or we're giving signals that we don't realize and don't wish to give. So, some general rules to ask people to leave you alone:
Really, the important thing is to remember that YOU get to make the rules for you. If you inform people of the rules politely, then continue on your merry way, those same people are generally pretty good about treating you the way you'd like to be treated.
Dear Lizzy,
A while ago, I spent a few years dating a guy who was really bad for me. In the course of the relationship, I lost confidence in my judgement, my self-worth, and even my memory.
The thing is, I didn't realize until after we broke up how bad it had been for me. It wasn't until six months later, when I noticed how much better I felt about myself and my life and, really, the whole world, that it occured to me to question whether I should have been dating him.
I've put a lot of thought into why I made the choices I did, and I don't really think I would pick the same kind of guy again, but I still feel like the only way to be sure I don't get hurt is to keep the men I date at arm's length. This leaves me feeling vaguely unsatisfied, as well as being a disservice to guys who are probably actually quite nice.
Do you have any advice on how to regain my faith in men, and in my own judgement about men?
A Cynical Romantic
Dear Cynicy Reader,
There are a few ways you can approach this:
1) Decide that the belief that you must have complete and utter trust in any man you're with - even when you don't know him well yet - is part of the conditioning that got you into the last mess. Shove off the feelings of guilt, watch him with a wary mental editor whilst enjoying what he has to offer. Once you know him better, you'll know for certain exactly how far you can trust him rather than taking it on blind faith. Learn to trust him as you would trust any new friend - within bounds at first, and with increasing freedom as he proves worthy of that trust.
2) Take it on blind faith that he's a good guy, and act accordingly - EXCEPT.... schedule re-assessment dates ahead of time. Once every two weeks at first, then once a month if things continue smoothly. On reassessment day, have a couple hours or so scheduled to be by yourself. Journal on the following topics:
Spend at least an hour journaling, shutting everything out of your mind except what you're writing about. Do not try to analyze what you're writing.
After you journal, READ what you have written. Read it carefully. Try to think how it would sound to you if someone else had written it. Figure out what relationship advice you would give that person. Follow your own good advice.
Last but not least, some advice for St. Patrick's Day:
Dear Lizzy,
I am not a morning person. When I walk in to work from the parking lot in the morning (which takes 5-10 minutes), I'm still waking up. I'm grumpy and tired and I don't feel social yet. I want to have a last minute of quiet time to clear my head before I start the day. So what do I do when a co-worker sees me walking in at the same time and wants to chat? Once someone says "Hi" to me, I don't know how to get rid of them.
Signed,
Yawn
Dear Yawn-y,
People generally respond by the signals we give. If they persist in acting ways we don't like, either they're completely oblivious, or we're giving signals that we don't realize and don't wish to give. So, some general rules to ask people to leave you alone:
- Make eye contact for a brief second while nodding/saying hello, then look past them.
- Look as though you are intent on obtaining an objective that doesn't involve them.
- Do not believe that you are required to respond to pleasantries. If people talk to you, answer in monosyllables, or incoherent grunts.
- If they ask you how you are this morning, respond (jovially), "Pretty anti-social, actually. Give me a half an hour, I'll be a bit more ready to face the world." It's amazing what you can say and have people take it well if it's said with a smile on your face.
Really, the important thing is to remember that YOU get to make the rules for you. If you inform people of the rules politely, then continue on your merry way, those same people are generally pretty good about treating you the way you'd like to be treated.
Dear Lizzy,
A while ago, I spent a few years dating a guy who was really bad for me. In the course of the relationship, I lost confidence in my judgement, my self-worth, and even my memory.
The thing is, I didn't realize until after we broke up how bad it had been for me. It wasn't until six months later, when I noticed how much better I felt about myself and my life and, really, the whole world, that it occured to me to question whether I should have been dating him.
I've put a lot of thought into why I made the choices I did, and I don't really think I would pick the same kind of guy again, but I still feel like the only way to be sure I don't get hurt is to keep the men I date at arm's length. This leaves me feeling vaguely unsatisfied, as well as being a disservice to guys who are probably actually quite nice.
Do you have any advice on how to regain my faith in men, and in my own judgement about men?
A Cynical Romantic
Dear Cynicy Reader,
There are a few ways you can approach this:
1) Decide that the belief that you must have complete and utter trust in any man you're with - even when you don't know him well yet - is part of the conditioning that got you into the last mess. Shove off the feelings of guilt, watch him with a wary mental editor whilst enjoying what he has to offer. Once you know him better, you'll know for certain exactly how far you can trust him rather than taking it on blind faith. Learn to trust him as you would trust any new friend - within bounds at first, and with increasing freedom as he proves worthy of that trust.
2) Take it on blind faith that he's a good guy, and act accordingly - EXCEPT.... schedule re-assessment dates ahead of time. Once every two weeks at first, then once a month if things continue smoothly. On reassessment day, have a couple hours or so scheduled to be by yourself. Journal on the following topics:
- How you feel about yourself.
- How you feel when you're with him in company.
- How you feel when you're alone with him.
- How you would rate the relative worth of each of you as human beings.
- Whether or not you are happy, and why. List reasons both to be happy and to be depressed.
Spend at least an hour journaling, shutting everything out of your mind except what you're writing about. Do not try to analyze what you're writing.
After you journal, READ what you have written. Read it carefully. Try to think how it would sound to you if someone else had written it. Figure out what relationship advice you would give that person. Follow your own good advice.
Last but not least, some advice for St. Patrick's Day:
- Don't drink the green beer. Buy the good stuff.
- Do not, do not, a thousand times do NOT request "Oh Danny Boy".
- Never leave the t-shirt you wore to the bar on the table. I lost one of my favorite shirts that way.
- Don't agree to dance on camera unless they cordon off the area to keep out the drunks who want to wave hi to mom.
- Don't expect a good concert experience, even if the band is really, really good. The sound mix will be off and the stench overwhelming. However, it mightn't be a bad time to hit on a cute musician.
- Ask whether he's ever had cold sores before kissing him, for pity's sake.
- Last but not least....have fun, and be safe!
