Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-03-28 22:36:00 |
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Confuzzled and Invaded
Okay, granted I'm really not that old to even consider myself as one lacking experience or what have you, but recently, I've realized I'm not like girls my age. I turned 18 a while ago, and I find it kinda depressing that little girls young as (gag) 10-11 are having/getting dates on an easy whim.
Is there something wrong with me? And I'm working on the whole getting a car problem (I take the city bus everywhere), but I mostly spend my time either studying or in training.
Is there any advice you could give me in "seeking" guys without downgrading myself to horrible online personal ads?
Thanks!
Confuzzled
Dear Confuzzled,
You sound a lot like I was, actually. From my experience, there are several things probably at work here:
1) You're picky. This is a good thing. Please, please don't lower your standards. I nearly got date raped when I decided to go on a date with someone did didn't immediately like/feel comfortable with. This is really not fun.
2) You're not going to places where you're likely to meet people in whom you'd be interested. You will not meet potential dates by hanging around with a small group of friends. Figure out what activities you would like your potential date to like, and attend that sort of activities.
3) You're not looking for the possibilities around you. Don't just assume that no one around thinks you're pretty or would be interested in you. Look around, notice all of the appealing-looking guys. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Make pleasantries. Strike up conversations. At best, you'll find someone to date. At worst, you'll get practice in making conversation. The sky will not fall if you say something hideously embarrassing. In fact, (as I can now say from experience), six months down the line they may not remember anything about it, and start flirting with *you*.
Really, think of it this way: everyone around you has a story to tell, something special about them. Try to find out some of those special things in everyone around you. The more interested you are in other people, the more interested they will be in you.
Good luck!
Dear Lizzy,
My partner and I moved into a new house last November, and are recently having some neighbor trouble. They have several children who run rampant through our yard and garden, now that it's spring. They play ball across our yard, and rip through my roses getting the ball, for instance. They have a nice big backyard, and no real reason to be tearing up our flower beds. Yesterday my partner caught one of the boys kicking my plants to smithereens.
I think we need to go talk to the kids' parents, before things get any worse. The children are probably aged 5-9. There are several of them. My partner says if we go to the parents, we'll wind up with hostile neighbors because no one likes having their parenting style criticised. I don't want to call into question their parenting, I just want their kids to stop tearing up the landscaping I'm putting so much work into.
Can you give us a few other ideas on how to handle this? I'm very new to it. Thanks so much.
Invaded by Huns
Dear Invaded,
First off, make friends with your neighbors. It's MUCH easier to talk to people about problems if they know you don't think that they're bad people.
I would take a small plate of baked goods to their house (unless you know one of them is on a diet) and introduce yourself. Explain that now that you've had some time to move in, you're trying to get to know some of your neighbors. If your neighbor has a nice yard, COMPLIMENT IT. If you can use this as a segue, ask them how they keep the neighborhood children from destroying their yard, that you've had some trouble with it.
If not, keep chatting. Find things to like about them, and make sure they know you like them. A lot of specifics depend on actual setting, but use visual cues to figure out what they're interested in, and ask "oh, are you interested in X? I/my brother/my friend loves X, too." Don't overdo it, or they'll simply be scared. At some point, drop mention that you're really excited about the chance to have such a free rein in landscaping, and mention your unspecified neighborhood children woes. Mention that you've even seen one child willfully kicking a plant down. Ask for her advice on what to do. Nod and thank her for any advice she has to offer. If she's bright, she'll speak to her children.
If she asks you outright if her children are involved, admit that you're fairly certain that they are.
Also, get to know the kids. Talk to them. Explain *why* you have a problem with them messing up your garden. Don't yell at them - that just sets up a "let's see what we can get away with" attitude. Instead, if you see them destroying something, give them a pleasant, "hello, how are you doing today? How come you're so upset?" talk. If they say they're not upset, say, "really? It looked like you were taking a bad mood out on my poor [plant type]. I would hate to think you'd be hurting it just to be mean." Don't lay it on too thick, but again - work to create understanding of your point of view without making them think that you think they're horrible people.
Again - good luck! And remember - people are more willing to listen to what you have to say if you've given them reason to feel amiable towards you.
Okay, granted I'm really not that old to even consider myself as one lacking experience or what have you, but recently, I've realized I'm not like girls my age. I turned 18 a while ago, and I find it kinda depressing that little girls young as (gag) 10-11 are having/getting dates on an easy whim.
Is there something wrong with me? And I'm working on the whole getting a car problem (I take the city bus everywhere), but I mostly spend my time either studying or in training.
Is there any advice you could give me in "seeking" guys without downgrading myself to horrible online personal ads?
Thanks!
Confuzzled
Dear Confuzzled,
You sound a lot like I was, actually. From my experience, there are several things probably at work here:
1) You're picky. This is a good thing. Please, please don't lower your standards. I nearly got date raped when I decided to go on a date with someone did didn't immediately like/feel comfortable with. This is really not fun.
2) You're not going to places where you're likely to meet people in whom you'd be interested. You will not meet potential dates by hanging around with a small group of friends. Figure out what activities you would like your potential date to like, and attend that sort of activities.
3) You're not looking for the possibilities around you. Don't just assume that no one around thinks you're pretty or would be interested in you. Look around, notice all of the appealing-looking guys. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Make pleasantries. Strike up conversations. At best, you'll find someone to date. At worst, you'll get practice in making conversation. The sky will not fall if you say something hideously embarrassing. In fact, (as I can now say from experience), six months down the line they may not remember anything about it, and start flirting with *you*.
Really, think of it this way: everyone around you has a story to tell, something special about them. Try to find out some of those special things in everyone around you. The more interested you are in other people, the more interested they will be in you.
Good luck!
Dear Lizzy,
My partner and I moved into a new house last November, and are recently having some neighbor trouble. They have several children who run rampant through our yard and garden, now that it's spring. They play ball across our yard, and rip through my roses getting the ball, for instance. They have a nice big backyard, and no real reason to be tearing up our flower beds. Yesterday my partner caught one of the boys kicking my plants to smithereens.
I think we need to go talk to the kids' parents, before things get any worse. The children are probably aged 5-9. There are several of them. My partner says if we go to the parents, we'll wind up with hostile neighbors because no one likes having their parenting style criticised. I don't want to call into question their parenting, I just want their kids to stop tearing up the landscaping I'm putting so much work into.
Can you give us a few other ideas on how to handle this? I'm very new to it. Thanks so much.
Invaded by Huns
Dear Invaded,
First off, make friends with your neighbors. It's MUCH easier to talk to people about problems if they know you don't think that they're bad people.
I would take a small plate of baked goods to their house (unless you know one of them is on a diet) and introduce yourself. Explain that now that you've had some time to move in, you're trying to get to know some of your neighbors. If your neighbor has a nice yard, COMPLIMENT IT. If you can use this as a segue, ask them how they keep the neighborhood children from destroying their yard, that you've had some trouble with it.
If not, keep chatting. Find things to like about them, and make sure they know you like them. A lot of specifics depend on actual setting, but use visual cues to figure out what they're interested in, and ask "oh, are you interested in X? I/my brother/my friend loves X, too." Don't overdo it, or they'll simply be scared. At some point, drop mention that you're really excited about the chance to have such a free rein in landscaping, and mention your unspecified neighborhood children woes. Mention that you've even seen one child willfully kicking a plant down. Ask for her advice on what to do. Nod and thank her for any advice she has to offer. If she's bright, she'll speak to her children.
If she asks you outright if her children are involved, admit that you're fairly certain that they are.
Also, get to know the kids. Talk to them. Explain *why* you have a problem with them messing up your garden. Don't yell at them - that just sets up a "let's see what we can get away with" attitude. Instead, if you see them destroying something, give them a pleasant, "hello, how are you doing today? How come you're so upset?" talk. If they say they're not upset, say, "really? It looked like you were taking a bad mood out on my poor [plant type]. I would hate to think you'd be hurting it just to be mean." Don't lay it on too thick, but again - work to create understanding of your point of view without making them think that you think they're horrible people.
Again - good luck! And remember - people are more willing to listen to what you have to say if you've given them reason to feel amiable towards you.
