Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-04-25 21:18:00 |
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Speechless
Dear Lizzy,
I am an intelligent, fun person with many hobbies and interests. You would think I know lots of people, right? Wrong. I seem to be entirely unable to hold a conversation with a stranger. I have some friends, and I can talk to them, but I have no idea what I said in those early conversations, how I got to know them in the first place. When I talk to a stranger, I feel incredibly ponderous, intruding and, well, boring.
Help! How do I get to know new people?
Speechless
Dear Speechless,
Here are some basic conversational tips.
Smile! Make sure to greet people cheerfully. Don't look overwhelmingly cheerful, but contentedly cheerful and happy to be where you are, doing what you're doing, is a good look to aim for.
Look around you for people who look interesting. There are a lot of them. Pay attention to what they're wearing, carrying, doing, how they're acting. These will give you clues of things to talk about.
Work to think well of people, and find concrete examples of good or cool things about the people around you. If you're striving to find good things about other people, you'll be able to tell them, and compliments (not overwhelming compliments, just small ones will do) are always a nice part of a conversation. Also, if you work to see the good in people rather than deciding why they're not worth your time, the world will blossom before you; the richness and joy that is available will start becoming apparent to you.
Think well of yourself, and make sure each day to point out to yourself (not necessarily to others; just to yourself) your good qualities. This will remind you that you are worth talking to and getting to know. If you're afraid of rejection, think realistically what will happen if someone isn't interested in talking to you. Will they call the police? (If the answer is yes, stop right here and consider going to therapy). Will you forever be laughed at by complete strangers wherever you go, even if you move to Zimbabwe? Will small children scream with laughter and pelt you with stones in the street every day of your life? Will you do a Wicked Witch of the West "melting, melting!" drama queen scene? Think out carefully what you would do if someone talked to you and you either didn't have time or weren't interested in talking. That will probably (barring psychoses) be a fairly good guide to the worst that could befall you.
Ask open-ended questions. These are questions that can't be answered with just a few syllables. It's fine to use a couple of close-ended questions if they're followed up with an open-ended question. For example, "Is this your first convention? [Yes] Ah! Welcome, then. What have you enjoyed most so far?"
LISTEN to the other person. This is necessary for several reasons. First off, if you're doing most of the talking, you may well be boring your listener to insensibility, and they will flee at the first opportunity. Secondly, listening closely will give you clues of items to ask about, thus continuing the conversation. Thirdly, if you do all the talking, your world will stay confined to you, rather than being expanded by the richness that other lives can convey to you. Other people's stories can be gifts.
Mentally check the relevance of what you're saying to the other person, and watch their body language. The topic you're on may not interest the other person at all. Don't speak so much that they don't have a chance to change the subject if they want to, and allow them to end the conversation. Continuing to talk to them after they've given hints like "I have to get to my next panel" or "Well, it was nice meeting you" is both rude and likely to ensure that they will not want to talk to you again for fear they won't be allowed to end the conversation without themselves being rude.
Watch your own body language. If you're talking to someone and they back away from you, allow them to - their personal space needs may be larger than their own. However, don't stand miles away from them. Generally speaking 3-5' in front and about 2' to the side is a comfortable distance. If you're interested in what someone is saying, look them in the eyes, lean slightly towards them, face your body or cross your leg towards them.
Give yourself small goals to practice. For example, "Today I will start a conversation with at least three strangers, and I will talk to them for at least two minutes."
Good luck!
If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.
If you enjoy readingdear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!
Dear Lizzy,
I am an intelligent, fun person with many hobbies and interests. You would think I know lots of people, right? Wrong. I seem to be entirely unable to hold a conversation with a stranger. I have some friends, and I can talk to them, but I have no idea what I said in those early conversations, how I got to know them in the first place. When I talk to a stranger, I feel incredibly ponderous, intruding and, well, boring.
Help! How do I get to know new people?
Speechless
Dear Speechless,
Here are some basic conversational tips.
Smile! Make sure to greet people cheerfully. Don't look overwhelmingly cheerful, but contentedly cheerful and happy to be where you are, doing what you're doing, is a good look to aim for.
Look around you for people who look interesting. There are a lot of them. Pay attention to what they're wearing, carrying, doing, how they're acting. These will give you clues of things to talk about.
Work to think well of people, and find concrete examples of good or cool things about the people around you. If you're striving to find good things about other people, you'll be able to tell them, and compliments (not overwhelming compliments, just small ones will do) are always a nice part of a conversation. Also, if you work to see the good in people rather than deciding why they're not worth your time, the world will blossom before you; the richness and joy that is available will start becoming apparent to you.
Think well of yourself, and make sure each day to point out to yourself (not necessarily to others; just to yourself) your good qualities. This will remind you that you are worth talking to and getting to know. If you're afraid of rejection, think realistically what will happen if someone isn't interested in talking to you. Will they call the police? (If the answer is yes, stop right here and consider going to therapy). Will you forever be laughed at by complete strangers wherever you go, even if you move to Zimbabwe? Will small children scream with laughter and pelt you with stones in the street every day of your life? Will you do a Wicked Witch of the West "melting, melting!" drama queen scene? Think out carefully what you would do if someone talked to you and you either didn't have time or weren't interested in talking. That will probably (barring psychoses) be a fairly good guide to the worst that could befall you.
Ask open-ended questions. These are questions that can't be answered with just a few syllables. It's fine to use a couple of close-ended questions if they're followed up with an open-ended question. For example, "Is this your first convention? [Yes] Ah! Welcome, then. What have you enjoyed most so far?"
LISTEN to the other person. This is necessary for several reasons. First off, if you're doing most of the talking, you may well be boring your listener to insensibility, and they will flee at the first opportunity. Secondly, listening closely will give you clues of items to ask about, thus continuing the conversation. Thirdly, if you do all the talking, your world will stay confined to you, rather than being expanded by the richness that other lives can convey to you. Other people's stories can be gifts.
Mentally check the relevance of what you're saying to the other person, and watch their body language. The topic you're on may not interest the other person at all. Don't speak so much that they don't have a chance to change the subject if they want to, and allow them to end the conversation. Continuing to talk to them after they've given hints like "I have to get to my next panel" or "Well, it was nice meeting you" is both rude and likely to ensure that they will not want to talk to you again for fear they won't be allowed to end the conversation without themselves being rude.
Watch your own body language. If you're talking to someone and they back away from you, allow them to - their personal space needs may be larger than their own. However, don't stand miles away from them. Generally speaking 3-5' in front and about 2' to the side is a comfortable distance. If you're interested in what someone is saying, look them in the eyes, lean slightly towards them, face your body or cross your leg towards them.
Give yourself small goals to practice. For example, "Today I will start a conversation with at least three strangers, and I will talk to them for at least two minutes."
Good luck!
If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.
If you enjoy reading
dear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!
