Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-05-03 07:58:00 |
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Seeking Strength
Sorry for the delay in posting - LJ went down sometime in the half hour between when I collected the letter and when I finished my answer. And on to the letter....
Dear Lizzy,
I love my man. Adore him. Spending the rest of my life with him.
But... his insecurity is driving me bonkers. In his 20s, he lived with a woman (for several years) who used him to get back at her not-quite-ex-husband, and my man didn't realize it until she kicked him out changed the locks. Now that he's in his 30s, he's wiser and more experienced in the wily ways of crazy women, but he's still scarred. This manifests as a constant need for attention so he can reassure himself that I'm not going to do what the other woman did.
I understand the cause, but the effect is feeling less like "are you sure you love me?" and more like "honey, look at this... honey, look at this... why aren't you looking?", especially when I'm in the middle of a complicated project. It can be like living with a five-year-old sometimes.
I'm sure the insecurity will lessen and/or disappear eventually, but in the meantime, how can I react to it without pushing him away?
Seeking Strength
Dear Seeking,
Good for you for looking for advice now rather than simply leaving in ten or twenty (or forty!) years when you couldn't bear it any longer. It's much easier to do constructive work if you start sooner rather than later.
Like anything in a relationship, there are two sides to the matter: yours and his. The only things that *you* can affect are your own actions; you absolutely cannot force him to change if he doesn't want to. That being said, you are free to choose to encourage good behavior by rewarding him with smiles and attention, and discourage bad behavior by withdrawing your attention. If he's doing well, tell him so. If his behavior is a problem for you, tell him what behavior exactly is a problem and *why* it is a problem. You have the right to spend time on no one but yourself.
Create boundaries. Decide what time you want to yourself, or what amount of physical distance, and tell him in advance, i.e., "I'm going to read for an hour on the couch. I'd prefer to be undisturbed during that time" If he does disturb you, tell him how his behavior doesn't match what you had in mind. Communication is crucial. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, either ignore him or tell him to go away and when he's allowed to return, if he wishes to.
I have a friend who was in a similar relationship, and whose mother recently divorced her father (after 40 years of marriage) for this same behavior. She has the following advice to offer you:
Remind yourself frequently that this is not your fault. Even though it might look as if you're hurting him [by establishing personal boundaries], the injury happened before you came into his life.
When he's demanding your attention, do two things. First, respond to the underlying message. If you can, stop what you're doing for just a moment, give him a big hug and a kiss, then tell him that you love him but right that moment you need your space. Then go back to your project. Secondly, pay attention to whether his need for attention is accompanied by a need for control. Is he just looking for attention, or is he using his needs to dominate your life?
Maintain at least a couple of friends who are not friends of both of you to whom you can turn for reality checks.
Pay attention to whether you have let his insecurity change your life. Have you given up certain activities, or do you spend less time with your own friends? Hold tight to the things that are important to you; this will help to prevent resentment from building.
Now, if you want to show this to him, there are some specific things that he can do to help himself, if he is so inlined.
He should try to understand exactly what he is really looking for from you, and he should tell you. What will make him feel more secure while you're busy with your own projects?
He should build a support system separate from you. He, like you, should have his own friends that he can use as a reality check. Anything that makes him uncomfortable or insecure should be discussed with at least two friends. This also provides a support network in case he gets hurt again. It doesn't take away the fear, but it does make it less omnipresent. If his anxiety is the simple result of too much energy, going out with friends will also help to work off the excess energy.
He should have scheduled activities that don't include you. This gives you time to yourself without him feeling rejected, and he gets to develop his own life and own interests. If one feels like one is nothing without being part of a couple, then one is naturally anxious about the state of couplehood.
Both of you should read I Don't Want to Talk About It and How Can I Get Through to You by Terry Real. If you've the funds, you might consider couples counselling. (I have a friend who has scheduled marriage counselling about once every three or four months, whether or not there's a particular issue that he and his wife think they need to discuss. He's one of the best-grounded people I know).
Finally....consider very carefully whether he's trying to take over your life to give himself a feeling of control. If he is, it's possible that he'll work to kick the habit once alerted to what he's doing. However, if he doesn't make efforts to change - WITH notable progress - it's time to leave. Don't use the namby-pamby "oh, but he's been hurt enough - how can I hurt him again?" line. You're not the one who hurt him, you're not the one responsible for healing the hurt - he's the only one who can do that - and you have every right to live your own life. His responsibility is to decide what is best for him; your responsibility is to secure your own happiness. You can try to make someone else happy, but it won't work unless the other person is an active and willing accomplice.
If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.
If you enjoy reading dear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!
Sorry for the delay in posting - LJ went down sometime in the half hour between when I collected the letter and when I finished my answer. And on to the letter....
Dear Lizzy,
I love my man. Adore him. Spending the rest of my life with him.
But... his insecurity is driving me bonkers. In his 20s, he lived with a woman (for several years) who used him to get back at her not-quite-ex-husband, and my man didn't realize it until she kicked him out changed the locks. Now that he's in his 30s, he's wiser and more experienced in the wily ways of crazy women, but he's still scarred. This manifests as a constant need for attention so he can reassure himself that I'm not going to do what the other woman did.
I understand the cause, but the effect is feeling less like "are you sure you love me?" and more like "honey, look at this... honey, look at this... why aren't you looking?", especially when I'm in the middle of a complicated project. It can be like living with a five-year-old sometimes.
I'm sure the insecurity will lessen and/or disappear eventually, but in the meantime, how can I react to it without pushing him away?
Seeking Strength
Dear Seeking,
Good for you for looking for advice now rather than simply leaving in ten or twenty (or forty!) years when you couldn't bear it any longer. It's much easier to do constructive work if you start sooner rather than later.
Like anything in a relationship, there are two sides to the matter: yours and his. The only things that *you* can affect are your own actions; you absolutely cannot force him to change if he doesn't want to. That being said, you are free to choose to encourage good behavior by rewarding him with smiles and attention, and discourage bad behavior by withdrawing your attention. If he's doing well, tell him so. If his behavior is a problem for you, tell him what behavior exactly is a problem and *why* it is a problem. You have the right to spend time on no one but yourself.
Create boundaries. Decide what time you want to yourself, or what amount of physical distance, and tell him in advance, i.e., "I'm going to read for an hour on the couch. I'd prefer to be undisturbed during that time" If he does disturb you, tell him how his behavior doesn't match what you had in mind. Communication is crucial. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, either ignore him or tell him to go away and when he's allowed to return, if he wishes to.
I have a friend who was in a similar relationship, and whose mother recently divorced her father (after 40 years of marriage) for this same behavior. She has the following advice to offer you:
Remind yourself frequently that this is not your fault. Even though it might look as if you're hurting him [by establishing personal boundaries], the injury happened before you came into his life.
When he's demanding your attention, do two things. First, respond to the underlying message. If you can, stop what you're doing for just a moment, give him a big hug and a kiss, then tell him that you love him but right that moment you need your space. Then go back to your project. Secondly, pay attention to whether his need for attention is accompanied by a need for control. Is he just looking for attention, or is he using his needs to dominate your life?
Maintain at least a couple of friends who are not friends of both of you to whom you can turn for reality checks.
Pay attention to whether you have let his insecurity change your life. Have you given up certain activities, or do you spend less time with your own friends? Hold tight to the things that are important to you; this will help to prevent resentment from building.
Now, if you want to show this to him, there are some specific things that he can do to help himself, if he is so inlined.
He should try to understand exactly what he is really looking for from you, and he should tell you. What will make him feel more secure while you're busy with your own projects?
He should build a support system separate from you. He, like you, should have his own friends that he can use as a reality check. Anything that makes him uncomfortable or insecure should be discussed with at least two friends. This also provides a support network in case he gets hurt again. It doesn't take away the fear, but it does make it less omnipresent. If his anxiety is the simple result of too much energy, going out with friends will also help to work off the excess energy.
He should have scheduled activities that don't include you. This gives you time to yourself without him feeling rejected, and he gets to develop his own life and own interests. If one feels like one is nothing without being part of a couple, then one is naturally anxious about the state of couplehood.
Both of you should read I Don't Want to Talk About It and How Can I Get Through to You by Terry Real. If you've the funds, you might consider couples counselling. (I have a friend who has scheduled marriage counselling about once every three or four months, whether or not there's a particular issue that he and his wife think they need to discuss. He's one of the best-grounded people I know).
Finally....consider very carefully whether he's trying to take over your life to give himself a feeling of control. If he is, it's possible that he'll work to kick the habit once alerted to what he's doing. However, if he doesn't make efforts to change - WITH notable progress - it's time to leave. Don't use the namby-pamby "oh, but he's been hurt enough - how can I hurt him again?" line. You're not the one who hurt him, you're not the one responsible for healing the hurt - he's the only one who can do that - and you have every right to live your own life. His responsibility is to decide what is best for him; your responsibility is to secure your own happiness. You can try to make someone else happy, but it won't work unless the other person is an active and willing accomplice.
If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.
If you enjoy reading dear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!
