Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-05-09 22:21:00 |
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Bugged and Lovelorn
Dear Lizzy,
I have a house plant with aphids. This particular plant is an herb which I plan to eat, so I want to be careful what I do to it. Do you know some good non-toxic treatments for aphids?
Bugged
Dear Bugged,
If the infestation is still minor, you could just take it outside and spray it down with a hose, washing the little buggers to their doom. If, however, they have a bit of a foothold, here are some common household remedies you might try spraying the plant with:
www.aphids.us recommends about "100 gram curd soap and two liters of water" - actually, they said litters of water, but hey - "with the addition of ... tobacco brew, spirit, salt, or even chili or garlic." Another website suggested "liquid garlic", a product that they were, of course, selling.
Good luck!
Dear Lizzy,
I am in love with a married woman. I am very close friends with her, and she loves me too. She has been considering leaving her husband for me for several month at least. Her husband is very jealous, and if he even though that she was still speaking to me, he might leave her/kick her out on the spot. (He has actually delievered such an ultimatum; she is never to call me again).
I'm certain that she is in the wrong place and the wrong relationship. I could make her happy. But I won't do anything deliberately to end their relationship - I'm not going to out her to her husband, or anything that would make the choice for her. If she were free, I'd marry her and spend the rest of my life with her in an instant, no second thoughts. How can I convince her that she wants to leave him?
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn,
Let's take a look at what you've said:
You've said that this woman is quite willing to lie to the person closest to her. She is willing to string along not one, but two men while she makes up her mind. She is quite happy to have the sense of security on the one hand, but the sense of "getting away with" something on the other - which makes for great excitement and an entertaining life, but does tend to be rough on the other concerned parties.
If she's willing to lie to her husband, she's willing to lie to you. If she is willing to ignore his stated needs and wishes, and to dramatize them to increase the tension and sense of excitement, she will be willing to do the same to you. If she leaves her husband - which she may or may not do - in a year or two, you will find yourself in the position of the man whose love she is sure of, and who she can therefore ignore or take for granted whilst she looks for excitement elsewhere, rather than building a solid, healthy, growing relationship with you.
Is this really what you want?
People don't change a great deal, and certainly not quickly. You can make pretty fair guesses at future behavior based on past and current behavior. You will only be "different" as long as you are in a different postion in relation to her than the person whom she is treating in a particular way. Once you slip into that position, those same behavior patterns will kick in.
Poly or monogamous, if someone is dishonest with one partner, they will be dishonest with the next. If they seek to gain attention by making one person the Evil Tyrant, they will do so in subsequent relationships, to greater or lesser degrees, until *they* decide to change - and even then they'll still revert every now and then.
It is impossible for ANYONE to make someone else happy; you can only add to someone's happiness when they open themselves to happiness. Making a relationship work well takes two; it also takes two to make a relaship truly bad.
Run. Run for the hills. And learn to set personal boundaries for yourself. You cannot and should not be responsible for any adult but yourself. You can tend, you can nurture - but you cannot relieve them of responsibility for themselves.
Dear Lizzy,
I have a house plant with aphids. This particular plant is an herb which I plan to eat, so I want to be careful what I do to it. Do you know some good non-toxic treatments for aphids?
Bugged
Dear Bugged,
If the infestation is still minor, you could just take it outside and spray it down with a hose, washing the little buggers to their doom. If, however, they have a bit of a foothold, here are some common household remedies you might try spraying the plant with:
- A soapy solution.
- nettle brew
- niemcore extract (sorry, I've no idea what this is, actually).
www.aphids.us recommends about "100 gram curd soap and two liters of water" - actually, they said litters of water, but hey - "with the addition of ... tobacco brew, spirit, salt, or even chili or garlic." Another website suggested "liquid garlic", a product that they were, of course, selling.
Good luck!
Dear Lizzy,
I am in love with a married woman. I am very close friends with her, and she loves me too. She has been considering leaving her husband for me for several month at least. Her husband is very jealous, and if he even though that she was still speaking to me, he might leave her/kick her out on the spot. (He has actually delievered such an ultimatum; she is never to call me again).
I'm certain that she is in the wrong place and the wrong relationship. I could make her happy. But I won't do anything deliberately to end their relationship - I'm not going to out her to her husband, or anything that would make the choice for her. If she were free, I'd marry her and spend the rest of my life with her in an instant, no second thoughts. How can I convince her that she wants to leave him?
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn,
Let's take a look at what you've said:
You've said that this woman is quite willing to lie to the person closest to her. She is willing to string along not one, but two men while she makes up her mind. She is quite happy to have the sense of security on the one hand, but the sense of "getting away with" something on the other - which makes for great excitement and an entertaining life, but does tend to be rough on the other concerned parties.
If she's willing to lie to her husband, she's willing to lie to you. If she is willing to ignore his stated needs and wishes, and to dramatize them to increase the tension and sense of excitement, she will be willing to do the same to you. If she leaves her husband - which she may or may not do - in a year or two, you will find yourself in the position of the man whose love she is sure of, and who she can therefore ignore or take for granted whilst she looks for excitement elsewhere, rather than building a solid, healthy, growing relationship with you.
Is this really what you want?
People don't change a great deal, and certainly not quickly. You can make pretty fair guesses at future behavior based on past and current behavior. You will only be "different" as long as you are in a different postion in relation to her than the person whom she is treating in a particular way. Once you slip into that position, those same behavior patterns will kick in.
Poly or monogamous, if someone is dishonest with one partner, they will be dishonest with the next. If they seek to gain attention by making one person the Evil Tyrant, they will do so in subsequent relationships, to greater or lesser degrees, until *they* decide to change - and even then they'll still revert every now and then.
It is impossible for ANYONE to make someone else happy; you can only add to someone's happiness when they open themselves to happiness. Making a relationship work well takes two; it also takes two to make a relaship truly bad.
Run. Run for the hills. And learn to set personal boundaries for yourself. You cannot and should not be responsible for any adult but yourself. You can tend, you can nurture - but you cannot relieve them of responsibility for themselves.
