Elizabeth Franklin (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dear_lizzy) wrote,@ 2006-05-23 23:02:00 |
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How to Get Laid: A Field Guide for Men
This is a reprint of an article I wrote for my personal blog. I've made a few small changes and updates from its last appearance. Ladies, feel free to weigh in. Tell me if you would like me to unscreen your comments.
How To Get Laid: a field guide for men
It’s 10 p.m. at my favorite pub, and I’ve got my eye on a handsome man. He’s proven himself intelligent, witty, entertaining, creative and talented. Then he mentions for the third time that he’s looking for someone, and I lose interest. Why is that?
The guiding force and purpose of every woman - and perhaps every man - is to feel special. Each woman has her own way of trying to be special, and relies more or less on outside sources to make her feel that way. Here’s the crux of the matter for you guys: if you make a woman feel special, she will adore you.
Thus, if you choose to announce that you’re looking for someone to date, do it only once. Whether or not she makes any explicit sign, she has heard. If she is interested (and socially adept), she’ll make a point of complimenting you and asking you questions about yourself. To assure her of your interest, look at her warmly – don’t stare, keep it to a few seconds of direct eye contact and a slight smile – and either compliment her or ask her about herself. If she’s interested, she’ll at least stammer out a reply.
If you keep announcing that you’re looking for someone – anyone – to date, after she’s noticed you, this tells her several things.
Below are some of the major dos and don'ts to correct the romantic approach of otherwise interesting, handsome - in short, acceptable - men.
Dos:
Bathe regularly.
As in, at LEAST every other day, not once a year at Michalmas. Bathe more frequently if you do activities that make you sweaty/grimy.
Dress appropriately.
Always dress in clothing appropriate to the setting, or slightly better. Don’t wear tie and tails to the movies, but especially don’t wear a t-shirt when escorting her to a wedding or a play. Your clothing doesn't have to be stylish or make a statement, but it does need to suit you. If you're eccentric, feel free to make a statement. Be aware, however, that statements need self confidence to go over well. Whatever you wear, take care in how you wear it; t-shirts can look more formal than they are if worn with care; suits can look like vagabonds’ clothes if not worn properly. You can dress in ragged clothes and look amazingly hot. Never dress like a slob, be it in t-shirt or tux.
Tell her when she looks nice.
A woman likes to be rewarded for her efforts to make herself look good. However, keep it to, “Wow, that looks great”, “that shirt looks good on you”, etc. Staring at her or going on at length about how good she looks may only embarrass her. Saying “Nice tits” requires a certain type of person both to give the compliment without getting killed and to receive the comment without being offended.
Get to know more about the things that seem to be important to her.
If she shows an interest in politics, ask her what she thinks about some issue/campaign she is involved in. If she’s been asked to sing a song, listen to her sing and tell her it sounded nice. People generally drop clues about their interests or things that they have done that they would like to talk about. Follow up on these verbal cues by asking questions.
Ask her general questions about herself.
Make sure to ask general questions about her interests. Avoid personal questions like where she lives, her income, or where she works. Asking about her job in general is fine – this allows her to reveal as much or as little as she wants. Try not to ask questions that can be answered with one or two words, unless you follow them immediately with follow-up questions that require more wordy answers. One fun way to get to know her – and to provide fodder for making her feel special – might be to ask what one thing she does that she really enjoys but which she feels anyone else would find insanely boring. (This last question is for after you’ve already chatted for awhile).
Call when you say you will.
If you succeed in obtaining her phone number, tell her when to expect your call, and follow through. A woman doesn’t like to feel as if she is dangling after someone – even when she is – and the tension of waiting for a call at an undetermined time can make her irritable.
Call her from a foreign country.
If you are already on good terms – and this clause is important – and happen to be in a foreign country anyway (somewhere halfway around the world is preferrable), give her a call. She will be incredibly touched that you were thinking of her when you had the allurements of foreign lands to distract you. Remember to call during appropriate hours for her time zone!
Allow her to escape from the conversation if she wants to.
There are many reasons a woman may want to end a conversation, from desperately needing to pee to a friend waiting for her to being desperately bored with the conversation. If she says she has to go, say "It's been nice talking to you," and end the conversation. Continuing to talk as if you didn't hear will only make her avoid you permanently and tell all of her friends and acquaintences what a freak you are.
Make her feel welcome in any conversation you might be having.
If you're talking to friends and she walks up, don't just say "hi" and turn her back on you. When talking to her in a group setting, introduce her to whomever you're talking to, and include her in what you're saying so that she's part of the conversation. Make sure to physically include her in the conversation - who wants to see the back of someone's shoulder as they try to join in a conversation? Being shut out will send a very clear signal that you're not interested in talking to her if anything better is available.
Don’ts
Don’t promise to make her happy all her days when you’ve only just met her.
If, upon first meeting, you lavish upon her promises to make her happy always, she will despise you. Why? Because you know nothing about who she is - how can you know that you'll even want to make her happy, let alone be able to do so? Ergo, you don't care about who she is, you merely wish for someone – the individual doesn’t matter – to stand by your side, or worse – you plan to force her into a mold of your own imagining, erasing any parts of her that don't coincide with your imaginary ideal. This attitude is unhealthy for you as well. When you find out that she isn’t who you decided she should be, you’ll feel disillusioned. There is no way someone can live up to standards imposed upon her by someone else, and you’ll miss out on the wonderful, unexpected, individual parts of her personality which really do make her special.
Don’t make a big production about telling her she looks nice.
If the compliment is too elaborate, she will think you are either making fun of her or lying to get in her good graces.
Don’t hang around for long periods of time when you first meet her.
Say hello as you pass, compliment her on her shirt/sweater/dress, go back to talk to your friends. Glance at her occasionally from across the room and try to make eye contact. If you do, smile at her, hold the gaze for a second more then go back to talking to your friends. Half an hour later, if she hasn’t made an excuse to wander by, make up a reason to go within conversational distance of her again, nod, make some pleasantry. If a conversation strikes up, wonderful. If you discover that you’re doing more than 60% of the talking, you’ve stayed too long.
Don’t stand too close or crowd her verbally.
Keep a reasonable personal distance, both physically and verbally. A woman generally wants to feel safe. If you pretend to be Sean Connery, murmering sweet nothings in her ear, and standing too close too quickly, she’ll emotionally push you away to maintain a safe distance. On the other hand, if she feels safe with you, she’ll pull you into her arms more quickly.
Don’t talk too much about yourself.
Guys do this a lot. Women do, too, but ask yourself this: which of the two of you are you trying to get laid? Above all, never mention ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-parrots – nothing at all “ex” – until you’ve known each other for at least a couple of weeks. Note also that many women are trained not to talk about themselves. If you’re doing most of the talking, make a point of asking her opinions. Find some way to get her talking, or she’ll be bored to tears – even if she’s interested in you pysically, even if she’s the one who deflects the conversation away from herself. (Balance this, however; if she seems nervous, be careful not to pry into details about her private life, where she lives, etc. – don’t look like you’re a stalker gathering source material to track her down).
Don’t try to make yourself look better by making her believe that you are more talented, intelligent, good looking, or “better” than she is.
If she’s smart, this tactic will only annoy her. If she has a low enough self-esteem for this trick to work, it will cause relationship problems later.
Don’t worry about whether or not you are handsome enough.
A woman's perception of a man's personality will almost always influence her perception of how handsome that man is. There are basically three types of men who grow more handsome with acquaintance: those who are sincere and/or charming, those who have the mystique of the well-grounded man, and those bad boys who hint at unexplored possibilities, who tempt a woman to break out of the life that she has created for herself.
All of these goals are achievable, and can keep you from shooting yourself in the foot with a woman who would otherwise be interested in you. Try it! We’ll like it.
Remember, if you likedear_lizzy, advertise it in your own journals. I do not friend anyone back, the list of folks who has friended me is hidden, and I do not read the journals of anyone else from this userID.
If you'd like to ask a question, just respond to the most recent entry - that would be the one at the top of the list.
This is a reprint of an article I wrote for my personal blog. I've made a few small changes and updates from its last appearance. Ladies, feel free to weigh in. Tell me if you would like me to unscreen your comments.
How To Get Laid: a field guide for men
It’s 10 p.m. at my favorite pub, and I’ve got my eye on a handsome man. He’s proven himself intelligent, witty, entertaining, creative and talented. Then he mentions for the third time that he’s looking for someone, and I lose interest. Why is that?
The guiding force and purpose of every woman - and perhaps every man - is to feel special. Each woman has her own way of trying to be special, and relies more or less on outside sources to make her feel that way. Here’s the crux of the matter for you guys: if you make a woman feel special, she will adore you.
Thus, if you choose to announce that you’re looking for someone to date, do it only once. Whether or not she makes any explicit sign, she has heard. If she is interested (and socially adept), she’ll make a point of complimenting you and asking you questions about yourself. To assure her of your interest, look at her warmly – don’t stare, keep it to a few seconds of direct eye contact and a slight smile – and either compliment her or ask her about herself. If she’s interested, she’ll at least stammer out a reply.
If you keep announcing that you’re looking for someone – anyone – to date, after she’s noticed you, this tells her several things.
- She’s not your type, which is why you’re still looking for anyone in general rather than her in specific.
- She’s not special. Nothing about her makes her in particular attractive to you – not her mind, not her cooking, not her singing, not her gigantic heaving bosom. Physical or mental, a woman wants to feel special in some way, to have her charms recognized. Letting a woman know that you think she stands out from the crowd in some positive way will actually make you more attractive to her.
Below are some of the major dos and don'ts to correct the romantic approach of otherwise interesting, handsome - in short, acceptable - men.
Dos:
Bathe regularly.
As in, at LEAST every other day, not once a year at Michalmas. Bathe more frequently if you do activities that make you sweaty/grimy.
Dress appropriately.
Always dress in clothing appropriate to the setting, or slightly better. Don’t wear tie and tails to the movies, but especially don’t wear a t-shirt when escorting her to a wedding or a play. Your clothing doesn't have to be stylish or make a statement, but it does need to suit you. If you're eccentric, feel free to make a statement. Be aware, however, that statements need self confidence to go over well. Whatever you wear, take care in how you wear it; t-shirts can look more formal than they are if worn with care; suits can look like vagabonds’ clothes if not worn properly. You can dress in ragged clothes and look amazingly hot. Never dress like a slob, be it in t-shirt or tux.
Tell her when she looks nice.
A woman likes to be rewarded for her efforts to make herself look good. However, keep it to, “Wow, that looks great”, “that shirt looks good on you”, etc. Staring at her or going on at length about how good she looks may only embarrass her. Saying “Nice tits” requires a certain type of person both to give the compliment without getting killed and to receive the comment without being offended.
Get to know more about the things that seem to be important to her.
If she shows an interest in politics, ask her what she thinks about some issue/campaign she is involved in. If she’s been asked to sing a song, listen to her sing and tell her it sounded nice. People generally drop clues about their interests or things that they have done that they would like to talk about. Follow up on these verbal cues by asking questions.
Ask her general questions about herself.
Make sure to ask general questions about her interests. Avoid personal questions like where she lives, her income, or where she works. Asking about her job in general is fine – this allows her to reveal as much or as little as she wants. Try not to ask questions that can be answered with one or two words, unless you follow them immediately with follow-up questions that require more wordy answers. One fun way to get to know her – and to provide fodder for making her feel special – might be to ask what one thing she does that she really enjoys but which she feels anyone else would find insanely boring. (This last question is for after you’ve already chatted for awhile).
Call when you say you will.
If you succeed in obtaining her phone number, tell her when to expect your call, and follow through. A woman doesn’t like to feel as if she is dangling after someone – even when she is – and the tension of waiting for a call at an undetermined time can make her irritable.
Call her from a foreign country.
If you are already on good terms – and this clause is important – and happen to be in a foreign country anyway (somewhere halfway around the world is preferrable), give her a call. She will be incredibly touched that you were thinking of her when you had the allurements of foreign lands to distract you. Remember to call during appropriate hours for her time zone!
Allow her to escape from the conversation if she wants to.
There are many reasons a woman may want to end a conversation, from desperately needing to pee to a friend waiting for her to being desperately bored with the conversation. If she says she has to go, say "It's been nice talking to you," and end the conversation. Continuing to talk as if you didn't hear will only make her avoid you permanently and tell all of her friends and acquaintences what a freak you are.
Make her feel welcome in any conversation you might be having.
If you're talking to friends and she walks up, don't just say "hi" and turn her back on you. When talking to her in a group setting, introduce her to whomever you're talking to, and include her in what you're saying so that she's part of the conversation. Make sure to physically include her in the conversation - who wants to see the back of someone's shoulder as they try to join in a conversation? Being shut out will send a very clear signal that you're not interested in talking to her if anything better is available.
Don’ts
Don’t promise to make her happy all her days when you’ve only just met her.
If, upon first meeting, you lavish upon her promises to make her happy always, she will despise you. Why? Because you know nothing about who she is - how can you know that you'll even want to make her happy, let alone be able to do so? Ergo, you don't care about who she is, you merely wish for someone – the individual doesn’t matter – to stand by your side, or worse – you plan to force her into a mold of your own imagining, erasing any parts of her that don't coincide with your imaginary ideal. This attitude is unhealthy for you as well. When you find out that she isn’t who you decided she should be, you’ll feel disillusioned. There is no way someone can live up to standards imposed upon her by someone else, and you’ll miss out on the wonderful, unexpected, individual parts of her personality which really do make her special.
Don’t make a big production about telling her she looks nice.
If the compliment is too elaborate, she will think you are either making fun of her or lying to get in her good graces.
Don’t hang around for long periods of time when you first meet her.
Say hello as you pass, compliment her on her shirt/sweater/dress, go back to talk to your friends. Glance at her occasionally from across the room and try to make eye contact. If you do, smile at her, hold the gaze for a second more then go back to talking to your friends. Half an hour later, if she hasn’t made an excuse to wander by, make up a reason to go within conversational distance of her again, nod, make some pleasantry. If a conversation strikes up, wonderful. If you discover that you’re doing more than 60% of the talking, you’ve stayed too long.
Don’t stand too close or crowd her verbally.
Keep a reasonable personal distance, both physically and verbally. A woman generally wants to feel safe. If you pretend to be Sean Connery, murmering sweet nothings in her ear, and standing too close too quickly, she’ll emotionally push you away to maintain a safe distance. On the other hand, if she feels safe with you, she’ll pull you into her arms more quickly.
Don’t talk too much about yourself.
Guys do this a lot. Women do, too, but ask yourself this: which of the two of you are you trying to get laid? Above all, never mention ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-parrots – nothing at all “ex” – until you’ve known each other for at least a couple of weeks. Note also that many women are trained not to talk about themselves. If you’re doing most of the talking, make a point of asking her opinions. Find some way to get her talking, or she’ll be bored to tears – even if she’s interested in you pysically, even if she’s the one who deflects the conversation away from herself. (Balance this, however; if she seems nervous, be careful not to pry into details about her private life, where she lives, etc. – don’t look like you’re a stalker gathering source material to track her down).
Don’t try to make yourself look better by making her believe that you are more talented, intelligent, good looking, or “better” than she is.
If she’s smart, this tactic will only annoy her. If she has a low enough self-esteem for this trick to work, it will cause relationship problems later.
Don’t worry about whether or not you are handsome enough.
A woman's perception of a man's personality will almost always influence her perception of how handsome that man is. There are basically three types of men who grow more handsome with acquaintance: those who are sincere and/or charming, those who have the mystique of the well-grounded man, and those bad boys who hint at unexplored possibilities, who tempt a woman to break out of the life that she has created for herself.
All of these goals are achievable, and can keep you from shooting yourself in the foot with a woman who would otherwise be interested in you. Try it! We’ll like it.
Remember, if you like
dear_lizzy, advertise it in your own journals. I do not friend anyone back, the list of folks who has friended me is hidden, and I do not read the journals of anyone else from this userID.If you'd like to ask a question, just respond to the most recent entry - that would be the one at the top of the list.
