Dear Lizzy

How to write a decent profile for a dating website

2006-12-22T09:07:44Z

This was written specifically for OKCupid.com. Some references are made to OKCupid-specific features.

This is an article on what I think makes a good profile. I had been intending to write something of the sort, when someone on OKCupid actually asked me to review their profile and tell them why they weren’t getting as much response as they would like. Note that these suggestions are written almost exclusively with the assumption that you are using the site to look for someone to date. However, many of them apply for folks who are just looking for pen-pals.

In this article I will not tell you to spell correctly, use proper English, nor even to write in complete sentences. You’re trying to attract someone who will like you as you are; try to make the profile as real a reflection of who you are and what you’re looking for as possible.

The written profile:

First off, fill out the profile. This is a matter of respect for the folks you’re hoping to attract. If it’s not worth your time to enter the information, it’s not worth other people’s time to contact you, or respond to your messages.
Answer the Essential Facts questions, or at least many of them. This will either attract people looking for your attributes or weed out the ones who would have a problem with these basics. For example, if you say you don’t like kids, you probably won’t be bothered by someone who wishes to have children within the next five years.
Don’t waste space ranting about encapsulating oneself in a box. The fact that what is written is not the sum total of you is a given. If you feel that way about others’ profiles, stop now, go outside, and meet people in real life. Really, people don’t expect to find your entire personality to be laid bare. What is more, they don’t *want* to know your entire personality and history all at once. This space is an introduction, nothing more. It takes the place of the initial introduction and the first “what are your interests”-type chat, in a form that actually allows you to tell the other person more about yourself than you’d have in a typical conversation, not less.
Write something about the things that you love, the things that make your life worth living, and maybe a bit about why these things are important to you. Again, this will help to attract people who will be into *you* rather than people who will use you as a canvas on which they paint a picture of their own hopes and dreams.
Don’t write a novel. This is an introduction. The reader should not have to page down more than once to read a single box. If you overwhelm them with information, they won’t know where to start in terms of making conversation, and they’ll just go away – possibly without emailing you first.
Include your userID, if you want to allow Quickmatch folks to check you out.
Show, don’t tell. “Laid-back,” “good sense of humor,” and “easy-going” are some of the most over-used terms, and they mean *NOTHING* without a demonstration of your brand of these attributes. For example, senses of humor vary widely, and what is a good sense of humor for one category of humor will go entirely unappreciated by someone with a different sense of what is funny. Instead, talk about yourself, your life, your interests in the way that you normally would. Allow your sense of humor to show by how you describe things. Allow your easy-going-ness to pervade your profile by the language that you use. People are pretty good at reading between the lines, if you give them lines between which to read.

Pictures:

One of my friends commented that she was pleasantly surprised, when meeting folks from another dating site, by how much better the men looked in person. She felt the guys would have gotten much better response had they posted more flattering pictures of themselves. Here are some basic ideas regarding what makes a good profile picture:

First off, USE a picture. True or not, most people feel that they can decide whether someone is an axe murderer by looking at his face, especially at his eyes. Show your viewers that you don't look like an axe murderer.
Use flattering pictures that show your face. Grainy pictures are almost never flattering.
It helps if you show yourself in an environment that is characteristic of you. If you love nature, get a picture of you outdoors. If you love the indoors, let your indoor setting show something about why you love it. Bland backgrounds seem to me to indicate a pretty bland personality, unless the character shining from the face really stands out.
Make sure the picture *is* flattering, and that the expression on your face in the picture is geared to appeal to the type of person you’re trying to attract. If you’re looking for someone who is open and friendly, an open and friendly smile wouldn’t hurt. If you’re trying to gain adoring masses, you can try the stern I’m-too-cool-for-this-place-but-I’m-here-anyway look. (This isn’t one that appeals to me, but hey – it must, to someone…) If you’re looking for a protector, look weak and helpless. If you’re looking for someone who doesn’t much care whom they date, then by all means put up a fuzzy picture of you wearing a blank, insipid expression.
Don’t use pictures of yourself with someone of the opposite gender unless you clearly label it as, “This is me and my sister” or “Me and my thoroughly platonic friend,” etc. This is assuming that you are not 1) looking for friends only, and want to stress that you have an SO, or 2) You’re poly, and want to draw attention to this fact. From my own (monogamous) viewpoint, pictures with ex-SOs is a big turn-off. Can’t swear this is true for every woman.
Clearly label pictures with multiple people so that the viewer knows which one is you. This is especially important for use in Quickmatch.
For pity’s sake, have pictures of you taken by someone else. I frequently see pictures of people pointing the camera at the mirror – have these people no friends whom they can ask to do this service for them? A friendly neighbor? Some random passer-by?

*Unless you're gay. In this case, don't have a picture of yourself and someone of the same gender unless it's clearly labeled.

Hope this helps. Happy hunting!

Remember, if you like dear_lizzy, advertise it in your own journals. I do not friend anyone back, the list of folks who has friended me is hidden, and I do not read the journals of anyone else from this userID.

If you'd like to ask a question, just respond to the most recent entry - that would be the one at the top of the list. I'll get back to answering questions rather than writing articles one of these days, honest!

How To Learn What You Want, And Not Fuck Up When You Find It: a field guide for Women

2006-12-08T02:36:39Z

Welcome back from a long time gone to the latest installment of Dear Lizzy. This one is most recently inspired by a friend, but also reflects my own past behavior, that of many friends, and behavior I've observed from many, many women.

Suppose you've just met and started dating a guy. He's really nice, and it may have been a long time since you last went on a date, and you may have felt that in the past that you've dated complete assholes, and this guy is remarkably kind, gentle, and just generally amazing. What do you start doing? You start fantasizing. Not about sex - well, ok, also about the sex, but that's not the bad part. You (and I) start fantasizing about what it would be like to live your life with this person. Because you barely know him, there are a few details about his moods, personality, likes, dislikes and habits that you have to fill in. You take all several days' (or even weeks') worth of knowing him, and extrapolate from all the wonderful things you've noticed about him. Y'know what?

You're doing both of you a disservice. You forget both that he is human, and has flaws, and that you are a fabulous person independent of dating someone.

So, some dos and don'ts of dating and preparing yourself for dating:

Before You Even Start Dating, Do

Figure out what you want in a guy. Whether or not there's currently someone in the picture, figure out what your ideal guy is like. The more you know, the better you know what you're looking for, and the faster you'll realize if you're in a situation that won't make you happy. Realize that no guy will fit your ideal image exactly, but it’s easy to go in the wrong direction if you have no goal in mind.

Figure out what you want in yourself. Decide who you want to be. Figure out as specifically as you can who you would most like to be. Determine what sorts of behaviors and habits someone like that person you would have. Start acting with those behavior patterns and habits. You can change your life simply by changing your behaviors and expectations. I've been astonished at the changes in my own life over the past five years because of using this method.

Act in ways consistent with what you want. As above, do the things you need to do in order to be the person you want to be. Don't muck about with worrying whether or not you're "good enough" to step on stage or write that first novel. Don’t spend time wondering if you dare to presume to pretend to be something other than "what you really are". It's a waste of time, and it turns out that all of those judgments are pretty darn subjective.

Find an outside activity to mirror your inner development. I chose to plant roses. It allowed me to tend something other than myself, something that needed my help, gave me something to root for (pun not intended, but hey), gave me something to take joy and pride in. It also taught me the value of diversified interests.... I now have many rose bushes, and each one represents a different aspect of myself that I've been nurturing. Other ideas for developing active symbolism would be house cleaning (I tend to feel that the clutter in my brain and the clutter in my house are related; when I clear out my physical living space, it helps to clear out the clutter in my mind), community work, set construction for community theater, etc. The activity should ideally be somewhat physical, and have a tangible reward for your efforts.

Make a conscious effort to learn something - about yourself or about people in general - from every person you interact with. Strive not to be cynical about it - you will see in every situation what you want to see. If you choose to see only the bad in people - including yourself - you will see a grim world, where someone else could see a fairly bright world with a bit of quirkiness to it.

Learn something fun and new, that requires focus and physical activity. This will get your energy moving, help to clarify your thinking, work out stress, and give you something exciting to talk about and maybe impress people with.

Decide what is important to you, and throw your heart into things, even if they appear foolish. You get to define what you love and what things and people are worthwhile. Don't allow someone else to define what is important, and realize that other people may not be able to see all the wonderful things that make something special to you. What is important is that you realize how wonderful are the things you love and cherish.

Get friends who will tell you the good things about you. Friends provide us with a mirror of ourselves. When we see ourselves, we tend to see the blemishes and forget to look at the other 98% of our being. Good friends show us a more holistic view. Friends are allowed to see our errors, but ditch friends who you "know" are right when they put you down or make you feel inferior. They're using you as a prop for their own ego. It's not fair, but the only one who can actually make a difference in how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you is, well, you.

Realize that a relationship that ends is not a failure. One of the great fallacies of our culture is the assumption that if a relationship ends, the people involved have failed in some way. This isn't true. You've only failed if you haven't learned something positive from the relationship. Positive bits of wisdom can range from, "he's a great person, but not what I'm looking for/not what would make me happy" to "this man is a schmuck for these specific reasons, and I deserve to be treated better than that. I also treat people better than that by ____."

Focus on what you've gained from past relationships. Sometimes the gain is merely a direction for self exploration, or a spotlighting of the areas in which you require personal growth. While it sucks a lot in the short term, having the most glaring problems clearly marked is really helpful in rooting them out.

Decide what type of relationship you're looking for. Goals are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but it is not a bad idea to look for a "training boyfriend" - someone with whom you have no long term plans but with whom you can learn good relationship skills and burn off some steam. Spend some time broken up from a training boyfriend while you date others before committing to a serious relationship with him, if you think you want to. Dating someone because he's "the best you can get" is a bad, bad reason to date someone. Dating him because he's a really amazing guy, and you've spent some time proving this to yourself - that's a much more solid foundation for a relationship.

Face your fears. Push your comfort boundaries at least a little bit each month in the interests of personal growth. This may be talking at a mirror telling you that you're a good person. It may be going to a club and finding five reasons why you're enjoying the evening. It may be taking a chance and inviting over people you've always admired but of whose acquaintance you felt unworthy. Again, figure out what you want, and take steps - however small they need to be, as long as they're consistent - in the direction you want to go.

When Dating, Do

Have a little respect for yourself. Demand behavior of the kind that you feel is respectful and loving. If your ideas of loving behavior don't match up, you're not well suited, and it wouldn't last anyway. While we're at it - make sure you demand of yourself that you act in a manner that is loving, respectful, and productive. I heard this from several men, but I best liked this way of saying it: "Have a backbone. They're sexy."

Ask for what you want. I've discovered guys actually like having the guessing game of trying to read a woman's mind cut out of the equation. Be up-front with your needs and wishes. Men (at least the type I would care to attract) are impressed and attracted by assertiveness. Don't be a bully, and don't be manipulative, but be honest with yourself and the people with whom you interact. Again, work with the things that *you* can control. You can't control finding the person whose wants and needs will match up with yours. You *can* let folks see what your wants and needs are, so they can be attracted or not from the outset. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work. Hiding yourself won't last, and is vastly counter-productive.

Focus on the things you can control. Don't worry about things that are beyond your range of influence. All you can do is to be the best person you can be. Don't hold yourself responsible for someone else not being the person you had hoped they were.

Listen to your intuition. Notice when you have an uneasy feeling about someone. Figure out if it's because what they say and what they do don't line up, seem uniformly extraordinary, or even if there's just a vague sense of "something's not right here but I can't put my finger on it." Pay attention to that sense. You do, however, have to separate that sense from the inner voice that feeds you stereotypes. "He dresses like X, so I can just tell that he would act in Y sort of way." Tell that one to take a long walk...

If you feel like you're "not as good as" a particular guy, question why. If he encourages/agrees with this perception, dump him. (Note that this quantifying of "as good as" is a statement about yourselves in general, not in particular skills). If it seems like it's your own assumption, figure out the particular reasons that make you believe this about yourself. Take them out of the murky ick at the back of your psyche, wipe them clean, and take a good hard look at them. If necessary, show them to good friends and talk about them as much as you need to. Realize that these reasons probably stem from misperceptions about oneself, or out of reasons or states of being that have ceased to be.

Speak up and express your interest honestly rather than wringing your hands and wondering whether or not he likes you. This isn't something you need to make a big deal over. Ask him out - something simple - or simply tell him you'd like to get to know him better, and see how he responds. If you get worked up over asking him, you've invested too much of yourself in his answer, and you'll also come off as a lunatic. It's just not worth the hassle. Ask him, get it over with. The world won't end, no matter how much we may think we want it to. I particularly love how my friend Jen expressed it. "Let's practice. Repeat after me, "would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime this week?" or, if circumstances warrant, "Would you mind if I kiss you?" See, isn't that simple? Yes, he might say no, but then you get to go home, lick your wounds, and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It's like ripping a band aid off quickly. It actually hurts a lot less than inching it off bit by bit. Some guys will be put off by your forwardness, but mostly just the ones with control issues, and you don't want them, anyway. Most guys seem to respond really well to having a woman just fucking tell them what's going on with her instead of waiting for them to read her mind."

Be specific about date invitations. For example, "I'm free on Friday - would you like to see Halloween 37? This is much more likely to elicit a definite response than "Would you like to get together sometime?", and will allow him the option - even encourage him - to make a specific counter-offer if the time or activity don't suit him.

Keep commitments and keep up communication. Be honest, and if you find you have to break a date, or even a tentative commitment, let him know, and give him the honest reason. Just don't be melodramatic about it....

Assume he's willing to apologize for/accept an apology for a SNAFU or miscommunication if it's clearly explained. Then see whether he does or not. If he doesn't, dump him.

Be honest about who you are. 'Nuff said? On the other hand, don't spill your life story to a stranger. Parcel it out a bit at a time. It will make him feel like he's discovering precious gems rather than being drowned in a deluge.

Enjoy yourself. It's fun being with someone who is having fun, and if you don't enjoy being with someone, why the hell haven't you dumped him yet?

Cook for him, sometime around date 5 or 6 (assuming you haven’t decided he’s not the person for you and dumped him before date 5 or 6). This will tell you whether or not he likes your cooking/baking, whether he's good at expressing gratitude, whether he handles mishaps (should there be any) with grace, and whether or not he eats like a pig.

Do something he likes at least once within the first 6 dates. Ideally, you should like it too. If it's not your thing, find something about it which makes it enjoyable for you. Find your niche in the activity.

Notice whether he makes a point of finding something to enjoy when you do one of "your" activities. If he sits and sulks and makes a point of letting you know that he's miserable, but he's there because he loves you and wants you to be happy, dump him. It's emotional blackmail and a pain in the ass to boot.

Learn how to argue fairly. This involves holding your own ground, listening, and presenting reasons logically. It does not involve bringing up counter-grievances, i.e., "You're complaining about X? Well, what about Y thing that you do that irritates me?" These two things have nothing to do with one another; both must be addressed, but in separate discussions.

Challenge him. I'm not talking about walking up to him and hitting him in the face with a glove - unless his taste runs to fencing and duels - but make a point of not blandly agreeing with everything he says. Don't disagree for the sake of argument, but discuss values and moral dilemmas. This will reveal whether he can respect/accept anyone's opinion besides his own, and will give you practice in having a backbone.

Pay attention to what he has to say. Likewise, determine whether he's paying attention to what you have to say. If either of you is brushing off the other, or blithely assuming that you know what the other person "actually" meant, you're going down the wrong path...

Maintain your own interests, and allow him to maintain his. It's important to do things together, and to share things, but it's also important to have time to yourselves. If you grow too close, you'll stifle each other. Exposure to the outside world without your partner gives you a chance to grow into a better-rounded person, and to bring more back to the relationship. Refuse to hide these interests. They're part of what make you who you are, and remember? If they don't like you for who you are, the relationship isn't going to last - not if you're lucky - anyway.

Don't

Don't assume that he's the one who can make you happy, simply because you like him or he seems nice. There are many men in the world. Get to know and like more of them. Realize that "nice" and "kind" and "sweet" does not mean "he will be able to bring joy to my days, and I will enjoy talking to him even when we've already spent years together". Nice and kind are good places to start. They should, however, be the basic criteria for continuing an acquaintance, not for hanging all of one's hopes on a man. I've done this, too. It really, really sucks.

Don't be willing to change yourself for someone - especially if you've only just met. Don't go out of your way to be rude, but don't act differently in order to impress a guy. If you try to second guess him and be who you think he wants you to be, you may miss the fact that he likes who you are. If he doesn't like who you are - it wouldn't work anyway. Also, if you start changing yourself before you know him well enough to know if compromise is worth your time, you may wake up on a fairy hill seven years down the road of mortal time, discovering that you've lost yourself. (Don't worry, that's a metaphor).

Don't EVER feel constrained to "make" something work. As above, this is especially true for someone you just met. By figuring out what you want, him figuring out what he wants, and keeping open lines of communication, you can pretty much figure out if something has a hope of working out in the long run. If it hasn't a chance, see above - don't feel that a relationship ending means that you've failed. Any time that you've had the wisdom to take yourself and your life and pursue your dreams in a realistic fashion is a win in my book.

Don't start making wedding plans just because you've got a crush on someone and he was good in bed. Women actively encourage other women to do this. In "Pride & Prejudice", Jane Austen noted that "Women jump from admiration to love, and from love to marriage, in the winking of an eye."* The behavior pattern is well ingrained - and it’s horribly counter-productive. Realize that people are complex. Just because some things about a person are exactly as you would wish has absolutely no bearing on that person's personality, issues, baggage, habits, or wishes. Instead of hanging your hopes on someone, hang around for a bit and see if you continue to like what you see of their behavior. Perform regular reality checks. Love is as love does. If he doesn't treat you well, don't excuse the behavior with "well, he doesn't mean to hurt me." He's a big boy - at least, he is or you shouldn't be dating him. He's responsible for his own behavior.

*Or something like that. It may also be from the miniseries, which was so well done that many things of the script writer's invention remain in my memory as part of the original work.

Corollary: Don't talk about kids and commitment after only a few dates. Kapisch? (And if he does, run.)

Don't offer to clean his house, start cleaning it, or declare that it needs a woman's touch. He's a big boy, he gets to make his own decisions, and he may just like things the way they are. Also - do you really want someone who will assume that it's *your* job to cook and clean?

Don't call him every day to ask if he misses you. If you feel the need to do this, get out of the dating market for awhile, get therapy, and do whatever you need to in order to become secure in your own worth. Any relationship that starts out this way cannot be healthy. DTMFA! (Thank you, Dan Savage, for that wonderful acronym).

Don't criticize or belittle his sense of humor. If your senses of humor don't match, you won't survive as a couple. If you disagree with his sense of humor, just dump him and get it over with. Likewise, if he derides your sense of humor, dump him. Quickly. This excludes a fondness for The Three Stooges. For some reason, this one style of comedy simply seems to be a Y-linked humor thing. Shrug and accept it.

So - that's it for now. Good luck, be happy, be healthy, be wise.

How to Get Laid: A Field Guide for Men

2006-05-24T03:11:26Z

This is a reprint of an article I wrote for my personal blog. I've made a few small changes and updates from its last appearance. Ladies, feel free to weigh in. Tell me if you would like me to unscreen your comments.

How To Get Laid: a field guide for men

It’s 10 p.m. at my favorite pub, and I’ve got my eye on a handsome man. He’s proven himself intelligent, witty, entertaining, creative and talented. Then he mentions for the third time that he’s looking for someone, and I lose interest. Why is that?

The guiding force and purpose of every woman - and perhaps every man - is to feel special. Each woman has her own way of trying to be special, and relies more or less on outside sources to make her feel that way. Here’s the crux of the matter for you guys: if you make a woman feel special, she will adore you.

Thus, if you choose to announce that you’re looking for someone to date, do it only once. Whether or not she makes any explicit sign, she has heard. If she is interested (and socially adept), she’ll make a point of complimenting you and asking you questions about yourself. To assure her of your interest, look at her warmly – don’t stare, keep it to a few seconds of direct eye contact and a slight smile – and either compliment her or ask her about herself. If she’s interested, she’ll at least stammer out a reply.

If you keep announcing that you’re looking for someone – anyone – to date, after she’s noticed you, this tells her several things.

She’s not your type, which is why you’re still looking for anyone in general rather than her in specific.
She’s not special. Nothing about her makes her in particular attractive to you – not her mind, not her cooking, not her singing, not her gigantic heaving bosom. Physical or mental, a woman wants to feel special in some way, to have her charms recognized. Letting a woman know that you think she stands out from the crowd in some positive way will actually make you more attractive to her.

Below are some of the major dos and don'ts to correct the romantic approach of otherwise interesting, handsome - in short, acceptable - men.

Dos:

Bathe regularly.
As in, at LEAST every other day, not once a year at Michalmas. Bathe more frequently if you do activities that make you sweaty/grimy.

Dress appropriately.
Always dress in clothing appropriate to the setting, or slightly better. Don’t wear tie and tails to the movies, but especially don’t wear a t-shirt when escorting her to a wedding or a play. Your clothing doesn't have to be stylish or make a statement, but it does need to suit you. If you're eccentric, feel free to make a statement. Be aware, however, that statements need self confidence to go over well. Whatever you wear, take care in how you wear it; t-shirts can look more formal than they are if worn with care; suits can look like vagabonds’ clothes if not worn properly. You can dress in ragged clothes and look amazingly hot. Never dress like a slob, be it in t-shirt or tux.

Tell her when she looks nice.
A woman likes to be rewarded for her efforts to make herself look good. However, keep it to, “Wow, that looks great”, “that shirt looks good on you”, etc. Staring at her or going on at length about how good she looks may only embarrass her. Saying “Nice tits” requires a certain type of person both to give the compliment without getting killed and to receive the comment without being offended.

Get to know more about the things that seem to be important to her.
If she shows an interest in politics, ask her what she thinks about some issue/campaign she is involved in. If she’s been asked to sing a song, listen to her sing and tell her it sounded nice. People generally drop clues about their interests or things that they have done that they would like to talk about. Follow up on these verbal cues by asking questions.

Ask her general questions about herself.
Make sure to ask general questions about her interests. Avoid personal questions like where she lives, her income, or where she works. Asking about her job in general is fine – this allows her to reveal as much or as little as she wants. Try not to ask questions that can be answered with one or two words, unless you follow them immediately with follow-up questions that require more wordy answers. One fun way to get to know her – and to provide fodder for making her feel special – might be to ask what one thing she does that she really enjoys but which she feels anyone else would find insanely boring. (This last question is for after you’ve already chatted for awhile).

Call when you say you will.
If you succeed in obtaining her phone number, tell her when to expect your call, and follow through. A woman doesn’t like to feel as if she is dangling after someone – even when she is – and the tension of waiting for a call at an undetermined time can make her irritable.

Call her from a foreign country.
If you are already on good terms – and this clause is important – and happen to be in a foreign country anyway (somewhere halfway around the world is preferrable), give her a call. She will be incredibly touched that you were thinking of her when you had the allurements of foreign lands to distract you. Remember to call during appropriate hours for her time zone!

Allow her to escape from the conversation if she wants to.
There are many reasons a woman may want to end a conversation, from desperately needing to pee to a friend waiting for her to being desperately bored with the conversation. If she says she has to go, say "It's been nice talking to you," and end the conversation. Continuing to talk as if you didn't hear will only make her avoid you permanently and tell all of her friends and acquaintences what a freak you are.

Make her feel welcome in any conversation you might be having.
If you're talking to friends and she walks up, don't just say "hi" and turn her back on you. When talking to her in a group setting, introduce her to whomever you're talking to, and include her in what you're saying so that she's part of the conversation. Make sure to physically include her in the conversation - who wants to see the back of someone's shoulder as they try to join in a conversation? Being shut out will send a very clear signal that you're not interested in talking to her if anything better is available.

Don’ts

Don’t promise to make her happy all her days when you’ve only just met her.
If, upon first meeting, you lavish upon her promises to make her happy always, she will despise you. Why? Because you know nothing about who she is - how can you know that you'll even want to make her happy, let alone be able to do so? Ergo, you don't care about who she is, you merely wish for someone – the individual doesn’t matter – to stand by your side, or worse – you plan to force her into a mold of your own imagining, erasing any parts of her that don't coincide with your imaginary ideal. This attitude is unhealthy for you as well. When you find out that she isn’t who you decided she should be, you’ll feel disillusioned. There is no way someone can live up to standards imposed upon her by someone else, and you’ll miss out on the wonderful, unexpected, individual parts of her personality which really do make her special.

Don’t make a big production about telling her she looks nice.
If the compliment is too elaborate, she will think you are either making fun of her or lying to get in her good graces.

Don’t hang around for long periods of time when you first meet her.
Say hello as you pass, compliment her on her shirt/sweater/dress, go back to talk to your friends. Glance at her occasionally from across the room and try to make eye contact. If you do, smile at her, hold the gaze for a second more then go back to talking to your friends. Half an hour later, if she hasn’t made an excuse to wander by, make up a reason to go within conversational distance of her again, nod, make some pleasantry. If a conversation strikes up, wonderful. If you discover that you’re doing more than 60% of the talking, you’ve stayed too long.

Don’t stand too close or crowd her verbally.
Keep a reasonable personal distance, both physically and verbally. A woman generally wants to feel safe. If you pretend to be Sean Connery, murmering sweet nothings in her ear, and standing too close too quickly, she’ll emotionally push you away to maintain a safe distance. On the other hand, if she feels safe with you, she’ll pull you into her arms more quickly.

Don’t talk too much about yourself.
Guys do this a lot. Women do, too, but ask yourself this: which of the two of you are you trying to get laid? Above all, never mention ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-parrots – nothing at all “ex” – until you’ve known each other for at least a couple of weeks. Note also that many women are trained not to talk about themselves. If you’re doing most of the talking, make a point of asking her opinions. Find some way to get her talking, or she’ll be bored to tears – even if she’s interested in you pysically, even if she’s the one who deflects the conversation away from herself. (Balance this, however; if she seems nervous, be careful not to pry into details about her private life, where she lives, etc. – don’t look like you’re a stalker gathering source material to track her down).

Don’t try to make yourself look better by making her believe that you are more talented, intelligent, good looking, or “better” than she is.
If she’s smart, this tactic will only annoy her. If she has a low enough self-esteem for this trick to work, it will cause relationship problems later.

Don’t worry about whether or not you are handsome enough.
A woman's perception of a man's personality will almost always influence her perception of how handsome that man is. There are basically three types of men who grow more handsome with acquaintance: those who are sincere and/or charming, those who have the mystique of the well-grounded man, and those bad boys who hint at unexplored possibilities, who tempt a woman to break out of the life that she has created for herself.

All of these goals are achievable, and can keep you from shooting yourself in the foot with a woman who would otherwise be interested in you. Try it! We’ll like it.

Remember, if you like dear_lizzy, advertise it in your own journals. I do not friend anyone back, the list of folks who has friended me is hidden, and I do not read the journals of anyone else from this userID.

If you'd like to ask a question, just respond to the most recent entry - that would be the one at the top of the list.

Brief post, in lieu of actually having letters to answer....

2006-05-17T02:21:06Z

Since I've no questions for this week, I thought I would dwell on Lovelorn's letter of last week. It was pointed out to me (by people not the author of the letter) that I was making certain assumptions about the nature of the relationship. Instead, I ask lovelorn some questions.

1) Is it sexual? If so, her husband definitely has a right to know that she is potentially compromising his health.
2) Is her husband abusive? If so, she may have good reasons for keeping silent. However, you still can't help her until she's ready to help herself.
3) Are there children involved? Let her decide what is best for her and her children, if they exist.
4) How long have you known this woman? Have you seen her cycle through other relationships, even "just" friendships? How she treats her friends, from start to end of a relationship, is a good indicator of how she'll treat you.

I'm still inclined to believe that she is looking for attention and drama; however, you know better than I the particular details of her life. However, pay attention to how she treats those around her, and their relative "status" in her life. People do not change at a moment's notice, and her behavior towards others is a good indicator of how she will behave towards you over time.

Bugged and Lovelorn

2006-05-10T02:25:23Z

Dear Lizzy,

I have a house plant with aphids. This particular plant is an herb which I plan to eat, so I want to be careful what I do to it. Do you know some good non-toxic treatments for aphids?

Bugged

Dear Bugged,

If the infestation is still minor, you could just take it outside and spray it down with a hose, washing the little buggers to their doom. If, however, they have a bit of a foothold, here are some common household remedies you might try spraying the plant with:

A soapy solution.
nettle brew
niemcore extract (sorry, I've no idea what this is, actually).

www.aphids.us recommends about "100 gram curd soap and two liters of water" - actually, they said litters of water, but hey - "with the addition of ... tobacco brew, spirit, salt, or even chili or garlic." Another website suggested "liquid garlic", a product that they were, of course, selling.

Good luck!

Dear Lizzy,

I am in love with a married woman. I am very close friends with her, and she loves me too. She has been considering leaving her husband for me for several month at least. Her husband is very jealous, and if he even though that she was still speaking to me, he might leave her/kick her out on the spot. (He has actually delievered such an ultimatum; she is never to call me again).

I'm certain that she is in the wrong place and the wrong relationship. I could make her happy. But I won't do anything deliberately to end their relationship - I'm not going to out her to her husband, or anything that would make the choice for her. If she were free, I'd marry her and spend the rest of my life with her in an instant, no second thoughts. How can I convince her that she wants to leave him?

Lovelorn

Dear Lovelorn,

Let's take a look at what you've said:

You've said that this woman is quite willing to lie to the person closest to her. She is willing to string along not one, but two men while she makes up her mind. She is quite happy to have the sense of security on the one hand, but the sense of "getting away with" something on the other - which makes for great excitement and an entertaining life, but does tend to be rough on the other concerned parties.

If she's willing to lie to her husband, she's willing to lie to you. If she is willing to ignore his stated needs and wishes, and to dramatize them to increase the tension and sense of excitement, she will be willing to do the same to you. If she leaves her husband - which she may or may not do - in a year or two, you will find yourself in the position of the man whose love she is sure of, and who she can therefore ignore or take for granted whilst she looks for excitement elsewhere, rather than building a solid, healthy, growing relationship with you.

Is this really what you want?

People don't change a great deal, and certainly not quickly. You can make pretty fair guesses at future behavior based on past and current behavior. You will only be "different" as long as you are in a different postion in relation to her than the person whom she is treating in a particular way. Once you slip into that position, those same behavior patterns will kick in.

Poly or monogamous, if someone is dishonest with one partner, they will be dishonest with the next. If they seek to gain attention by making one person the Evil Tyrant, they will do so in subsequent relationships, to greater or lesser degrees, until *they* decide to change - and even then they'll still revert every now and then.

It is impossible for ANYONE to make someone else happy; you can only add to someone's happiness when they open themselves to happiness. Making a relationship work well takes two; it also takes two to make a relaship truly bad.

Run. Run for the hills. And learn to set personal boundaries for yourself. You cannot and should not be responsible for any adult but yourself. You can tend, you can nurture - but you cannot relieve them of responsibility for themselves.

Seeking Strength

2006-05-03T11:58:27Z

Sorry for the delay in posting - LJ went down sometime in the half hour between when I collected the letter and when I finished my answer. And on to the letter....

Dear Lizzy,

I love my man. Adore him. Spending the rest of my life with him.

But... his insecurity is driving me bonkers. In his 20s, he lived with a woman (for several years) who used him to get back at her not-quite-ex-husband, and my man didn't realize it until she kicked him out changed the locks. Now that he's in his 30s, he's wiser and more experienced in the wily ways of crazy women, but he's still scarred. This manifests as a constant need for attention so he can reassure himself that I'm not going to do what the other woman did.

I understand the cause, but the effect is feeling less like "are you sure you love me?" and more like "honey, look at this... honey, look at this... why aren't you looking?", especially when I'm in the middle of a complicated project. It can be like living with a five-year-old sometimes.

I'm sure the insecurity will lessen and/or disappear eventually, but in the meantime, how can I react to it without pushing him away?

Seeking Strength

Dear Seeking,

Good for you for looking for advice now rather than simply leaving in ten or twenty (or forty!) years when you couldn't bear it any longer. It's much easier to do constructive work if you start sooner rather than later.

Like anything in a relationship, there are two sides to the matter: yours and his. The only things that *you* can affect are your own actions; you absolutely cannot force him to change if he doesn't want to. That being said, you are free to choose to encourage good behavior by rewarding him with smiles and attention, and discourage bad behavior by withdrawing your attention. If he's doing well, tell him so. If his behavior is a problem for you, tell him what behavior exactly is a problem and *why* it is a problem. You have the right to spend time on no one but yourself.

Create boundaries. Decide what time you want to yourself, or what amount of physical distance, and tell him in advance, i.e., "I'm going to read for an hour on the couch. I'd prefer to be undisturbed during that time" If he does disturb you, tell him how his behavior doesn't match what you had in mind. Communication is crucial. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, either ignore him or tell him to go away and when he's allowed to return, if he wishes to.

I have a friend who was in a similar relationship, and whose mother recently divorced her father (after 40 years of marriage) for this same behavior. She has the following advice to offer you:

Remind yourself frequently that this is not your fault. Even though it might look as if you're hurting him [by establishing personal boundaries], the injury happened before you came into his life.

When he's demanding your attention, do two things. First, respond to the underlying message. If you can, stop what you're doing for just a moment, give him a big hug and a kiss, then tell him that you love him but right that moment you need your space. Then go back to your project. Secondly, pay attention to whether his need for attention is accompanied by a need for control. Is he just looking for attention, or is he using his needs to dominate your life?

Maintain at least a couple of friends who are not friends of both of you to whom you can turn for reality checks.

Pay attention to whether you have let his insecurity change your life. Have you given up certain activities, or do you spend less time with your own friends? Hold tight to the things that are important to you; this will help to prevent resentment from building.

Now, if you want to show this to him, there are some specific things that he can do to help himself, if he is so inlined.

He should try to understand exactly what he is really looking for from you, and he should tell you. What will make him feel more secure while you're busy with your own projects?

He should build a support system separate from you. He, like you, should have his own friends that he can use as a reality check. Anything that makes him uncomfortable or insecure should be discussed with at least two friends. This also provides a support network in case he gets hurt again. It doesn't take away the fear, but it does make it less omnipresent. If his anxiety is the simple result of too much energy, going out with friends will also help to work off the excess energy.

He should have scheduled activities that don't include you. This gives you time to yourself without him feeling rejected, and he gets to develop his own life and own interests. If one feels like one is nothing without being part of a couple, then one is naturally anxious about the state of couplehood.

Both of you should read I Don't Want to Talk About It and How Can I Get Through to You by Terry Real. If you've the funds, you might consider couples counselling. (I have a friend who has scheduled marriage counselling about once every three or four months, whether or not there's a particular issue that he and his wife think they need to discuss. He's one of the best-grounded people I know).

Finally....consider very carefully whether he's trying to take over your life to give himself a feeling of control. If he is, it's possible that he'll work to kick the habit once alerted to what he's doing. However, if he doesn't make efforts to change - WITH notable progress - it's time to leave. Don't use the namby-pamby "oh, but he's been hurt enough - how can I hurt him again?" line. You're not the one who hurt him, you're not the one responsible for healing the hurt - he's the only one who can do that - and you have every right to live your own life. His responsibility is to decide what is best for him; your responsibility is to secure your own happiness. You can try to make someone else happy, but it won't work unless the other person is an active and willing accomplice.

If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.

If you enjoy reading dear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!

Speechless

2006-04-26T01:45:10Z

Dear Lizzy,

I am an intelligent, fun person with many hobbies and interests. You would think I know lots of people, right? Wrong. I seem to be entirely unable to hold a conversation with a stranger. I have some friends, and I can talk to them, but I have no idea what I said in those early conversations, how I got to know them in the first place. When I talk to a stranger, I feel incredibly ponderous, intruding and, well, boring.

Help! How do I get to know new people?

Speechless

Dear Speechless,

Here are some basic conversational tips.

Smile! Make sure to greet people cheerfully. Don't look overwhelmingly cheerful, but contentedly cheerful and happy to be where you are, doing what you're doing, is a good look to aim for.

Look around you for people who look interesting. There are a lot of them. Pay attention to what they're wearing, carrying, doing, how they're acting. These will give you clues of things to talk about.

Work to think well of people, and find concrete examples of good or cool things about the people around you. If you're striving to find good things about other people, you'll be able to tell them, and compliments (not overwhelming compliments, just small ones will do) are always a nice part of a conversation. Also, if you work to see the good in people rather than deciding why they're not worth your time, the world will blossom before you; the richness and joy that is available will start becoming apparent to you.

Think well of yourself, and make sure each day to point out to yourself (not necessarily to others; just to yourself) your good qualities. This will remind you that you are worth talking to and getting to know. If you're afraid of rejection, think realistically what will happen if someone isn't interested in talking to you. Will they call the police? (If the answer is yes, stop right here and consider going to therapy). Will you forever be laughed at by complete strangers wherever you go, even if you move to Zimbabwe? Will small children scream with laughter and pelt you with stones in the street every day of your life? Will you do a Wicked Witch of the West "melting, melting!" drama queen scene? Think out carefully what you would do if someone talked to you and you either didn't have time or weren't interested in talking. That will probably (barring psychoses) be a fairly good guide to the worst that could befall you.

Ask open-ended questions. These are questions that can't be answered with just a few syllables. It's fine to use a couple of close-ended questions if they're followed up with an open-ended question. For example, "Is this your first convention? [Yes] Ah! Welcome, then. What have you enjoyed most so far?"

LISTEN to the other person. This is necessary for several reasons. First off, if you're doing most of the talking, you may well be boring your listener to insensibility, and they will flee at the first opportunity. Secondly, listening closely will give you clues of items to ask about, thus continuing the conversation. Thirdly, if you do all the talking, your world will stay confined to you, rather than being expanded by the richness that other lives can convey to you. Other people's stories can be gifts.

Mentally check the relevance of what you're saying to the other person, and watch their body language. The topic you're on may not interest the other person at all. Don't speak so much that they don't have a chance to change the subject if they want to, and allow them to end the conversation. Continuing to talk to them after they've given hints like "I have to get to my next panel" or "Well, it was nice meeting you" is both rude and likely to ensure that they will not want to talk to you again for fear they won't be allowed to end the conversation without themselves being rude.

Watch your own body language. If you're talking to someone and they back away from you, allow them to - their personal space needs may be larger than their own. However, don't stand miles away from them. Generally speaking 3-5' in front and about 2' to the side is a comfortable distance. If you're interested in what someone is saying, look them in the eyes, lean slightly towards them, face your body or cross your leg towards them.

Give yourself small goals to practice. For example, "Today I will start a conversation with at least three strangers, and I will talk to them for at least two minutes."

Good luck!

If you'd like to ask a question, post a reply to my most recent column (the one at the TOP of the list, not the bottom). All comments are screened. Anonymous posts are also accepted.

If you enjoy reading dear_lizzy, please make sure to promote it in your own journal. Thanks!

Cold Sores Follow-Up

2006-04-19T11:12:42Z

Dear Lizzy,

This is way too late to be useful, but there are also sores that aren't from herpes. I get stress-related cold sores in my mouth and lips, especially if I haven't had enough sleep. This is actually quite a frequent occurence for me after cons.

(I know they aren't herpes because I had them tested when I went through a period of constantly having 6-8 sores in my mouth for weeks; in a way it's a shame, as herpes-related sores respond to antibiotics. *Grin*)

Not Always Herpes

Dear Not Always,

Thank you for that information! I'll make sure to post it next week. Actually, by next week I'll have forgotten. I'll post it now. Thanks!

dear_lizzy @ 2006-04-18T22:35:00

2006-04-19T02:50:14Z

Dear Lizzy,

I've been trying to get a new job, but I have a couple of problems. The first is that my last several jobs ended badly because I lost my temper and got in arguments with management. On applications, you have to say why you ended previous jobs. What do I say? The second is that when I read the job descriptions, the list of duties scares me. I don't know if I can do all that! Help!

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

First off, while you have to be honest on applications, you don't have to reveal all the gory details. State that there were personality conflicts, or that the job was not a good match for you. Never, EVER use name-calling. This, incidentally, also applies to on-the-job behavior.

If you have a problem with the management, state your problem - while you can still talk about it calmly - and either give them a solutin, or ask for one. Give them at least 15-20 seconds to respond. If they don't, know what solution you would like, and suggest a specific mode of behavior that would help you.

For example,

"I feel lost when you give me multiple things to do. When you assign me further duties, I'd like you to tell me their relative priority to what I'm already doing."

or

"I don't feel that it is appropriate for you to make disparaging remarks about me in front of my co-workers. If you have an issue with the quality of my work, I would appreciate it if you would tell me directly, preferably in your office."

When you make these statements, stand up straight, look them in the eyes, and speak calmly but firmly.

On the second point.... Remember that any job has at least two weeks of ramp-up time in which you are supposed to learn your job. Do hit the ground running, and strive to learn everything you can about your job and about the company in as short a time as possible; however, do not waste time berating yourself for not knowing everything right off. Remember to ask questions - not too many, and use books or online reference materials if you can - but don't feel like you're trapped and have no resources. Read up on the subjects you need help with in your off time.

Remember networking. If people are kindly disposed towards you, they are more likely to be happy to help you.

Finally, I suggest you use some of your unemployed time reading books on conversational skills, anger management, and improving self-esteem. Yes, self-help books are new-age-y and therefore suspect; however, many of them have a fair number of good ideas in them. Libraries generally have a fairly good selection: remember to fully exploit the resources available to you!

Keep those questions coming.... To ask a question, post a reply to my most recent post. Remember the most recent post is the one at the top.

Abandoned and Responses to Evil Tease

2006-04-05T00:02:07Z

Dear Lizzy,

Last year, I watched two people who I thought cared for me latch onto each other with forces akin to an Asimov novel. They did this for mutual support as they each underwent a great deal of stress preparing for important events in their lives. I was involved in both events in some minor way, but in the process, I felt completely removed from either social circle. It also didn't help that work has kept me isolated with long and late hours.

Now, their activities have centered around each other, and I no longer feel as though I know them. I have my own, very stressful event fast approaching at the end of the summer, and I am in a bind. I feel that they find me unnecessary and excluded me from even the most mundane activity. For example: they mentioned at a large gathering the interest to get ice cream. I asked if I could go with them and I was told "Oh, this is something we do," as though I was no longer a member of the popular clique.

Should I continue to be friends, or should I no longer seek their advice and company?

-Abandoned

Dear Abandoned,

It was slightly unclear - you said that the suggestion of an ice cream trip was made at a large gathering, but the "we" might have been just the two who have latched onto each other. If it was the latter - sorry, but there are some things that become rituals between couples or small groups, and it's something that you should accept. If it was a general invitation to everyone but you, that was extremely rude of them. They're not worth being friends with if they deliberately excluded just you. Lose them and look around for interesting people.

It's possible that you've simply grown apart and that they don't feel close to you anymore. It's also possible that they've got their heads stuck so far up their own asses that they don't think about anyone but themselves. You won't know until you've talked to them in a way that is:

- One-on-one
- Non-accusatory
- Calm

Invite each one - separately - to some activity - a walk, ice cream, something where either one of you can break off the talk whenever you want and leave independently of each other. Talk to the one with whom you are most interested in maintaining a friendship first.

Make sure that both of you are fed and well-rested beforehand. Tell them how you feel in "I" terms. Do NOT say "You did X to me", say, "I felt hurt when you said I wasn't welcome to get ice cream with you. I've been feeling unwelcome, and that makes me uncomfortable. I would prefer to know if I am imposing myself on you. I have really enjoyed your company in the past, but I don't want to spend my time feeling like an outsider." See what each of your friends has to say. Do your best not to use guilt as a weapon - or at all. It is self-defeating.

The text above is somewhat inflammatory; it will only work if you say it calmly. Alternately, figure out your own words. However, remember: they have a right to do whatever they want to with their lives, just as you have a right to live your life as you see fit. If they're treating you like shit, go find better friends. Be a good friend - and I mean a friend, not a door mat - and you will find good friends. Realize too that you may be emotionally "leaning" on them more heavily than you realize. I used to do this as a manner of habit, and didn't realize it until years later.

Whatever happens, get involved in more activities that interest you, and be interested in the people you meet through those activities. It seems like you might see these two people as two of your few social outlets. Expand your base. It will make you happier, and it will put less pressure on those two particular people to be there for you. There are really good people all around you, waiting to be interested in you - if you're interested in them. Make sure to listen to what other people have to say - encourage them to talk rather than doing all the talking yourself, and you'll be amazed at the life that people will share with you.

Two weeks ago, I had a letter from Evil Tease, asking about the propriety of flirting with two guys at once, when she didn't know whether she was actually interested in either. I asked the men for feedback. Below are the responses.

Man 1:

Flirting with two people, or even going out on dates with different people wouldn't bother me. You have to be able to meet people, find out if they are compatible with you. Flirting is an Olympic Sport to some, and can be perfectly harmless. Flirting is about getting to know someone, and being unsure of your intentions. However, crossing personal boundary space (ie... kissing both) might be a bit unfair. But, if you have to know who the better kisser is, well, scientific discovery is hard work... However, if your to the point of horizontal mamba, being honest with both that your "seeing others" would be appreciated. That way, they can make an informed choice (in my case, probably no - I tend to date one person at a time, and look for that in the people I date - but that's my personal choice). Remember, relationships are a two way street.

Man 2:

There you go, breaking guy's hearts, Tease!

But, yes, a key to keeping from hurting a member of the other sex is to convey exactly what your feelings are, what your wants are, and what you are looking for. Is it just to be social and have a good time? Is it to size up the peacocks at this particular lek? Is it to learn more about a potential partner? Is the goal a private assignation — if the partner is suitable?

Communicate, communicate, communicate. There are some cues that should be generally understandable: If you came to a gathering alone (without a partner), you should let folks know that, and they should know that you are a "free agent." You can state that you would like to meet everyone during the gathering. In such a case, you are quite justified in deciding amongst potential partners for the evening. Everyone should understand that you are, effectively, setting up a win/lose (or lose/lose) competition for a potential partner. Some may choose to throw their hat in the ring, some may not, but the subtleties of human sexual selection are outside of this topic.

If you came with (or agreed to meet) an individual at a gathering, and know that you may change your attentions to another person, be frank about it up front. Some guys are not necessarily as sensitive as others to subtle signals: so communicate explicitly and promptly. Bring your clue-stick and use it early. Inform your initial partner that you are interested in him; but may end up "playing the field" before you actually arrive, if possible. You don't need to use the word "probation" or "conditional" — but leading a partner on to think that they (will automatically) have a deeper relationship with you than actually may exist can be explosive if the individual has a very resentful personality. And even if not, the sudden unanticipated shift in attentions is likely to devastate his feelings.

Man 3:

There's absolutely nothing wrong with talking and being pleasant to more than one guy at a time; in fact, there's something wrong with anyone who says there is something wrong with it. Where the line is between being pleasant and flirting is going to depend on the situation, but if you're going beyond being pleasant, it depends on how the people involved feel about it. There's certainly something wrong with deliberately making them feel uncomfortable. There's probably something wrong with continuing if you know you're making them uncomfortable, even if you don't mean to. As for going out that evening with an intent to flirt with one guy, and finding another that seems more attractive, there's nothing wrong with that.

Man 4:

You asked for the guy perspective?

I know I can't speak for *all* men, and I'm not sure I can even manage speaking for the majority or some "average Joe".

I guess I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you're using "flirting" to mean, well, FLIRTING (rather than as a euphemism for something more rawly-physical). They might not *like* it, but that's not really the question at hand.

If the querent is actually attempting to ask "Am I acting like a slut", I'd have to say it depends entirely on how SHE feels about the situation, and others don't get a vote.

I have a counter-question: would the morality or good/bad taste be affected if the question were asked by a man who was wondering about flirting with two women at once (especially when they're friends with each other)? Morality-wise, I would think "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" applies (though clearly the *effectiveness* of some flirting styles will vary wildly depending on the genders of the flirter/flirtee).

So, that's it. Thank you to the guys who responded! If you'd like to ask a question, just post it as a reply to the most recent column. All replies are screened. You may post anonymously if you wish.

Also, if you enjoy reading Dear Lizzy, please promote it in your own journals! The more people read, the more likely I am to have questions to answer each week. Thanks for reading!

New post

2006-03-31T00:06:23Z

There's a new Dear Lizzy post, back dated to Tuesday. This means it won't show up in your friends lists. However, you can find it here:

http://dear-lizzy.livejournal.com/3470.html

Also, please remember to post your questions to the MOST RECENT post. It's a lot easier for me to find them when I go to write the answers. Thanks!

Evil Tease

2006-03-22T03:14:52Z

Dear Lizzy,

Over the weekend, I went to a concert with the express intention of flirting with, and possibly shagging, one of the musicians. I did, in fact, flirt with him, but was sorry to see that instead of the gorgeous man with good posture that I remembered, he had since adopted a "scruffy" look, had taken to hunching over, and actually appeared malnourished. He was extremely sweet, and fun to talk to, but partway through the evening I realized that one of his bandmates had a really nice face, and was also fun to talk to.

So my question is this: just how fickle and unkind am I being? Is it in bad taste/horribly immoral to flirt with two guys at once, especially when they're friends with each other? For that matter, is it ok to flirt with strange men when I'm unsure of my intentions towards them? Am I unfairly leading them on?

Evil Tease

Dear Maybe-Not-So-Evil Tease,

It does depend on what you mean by "flirting". If you mean "chatting up", flirting with both probably isn't a problem. If you mean "hanging off them", or "shagging one and coming back for seconds", there might be a bit more of an issue.

As to not flirting with men because you're not sure of your intentions - how many people know what their intentions towards someone will be when they first get to know them? And how does one get to know them, except by chatting with them? If the man (or men) in question are disgruntled by you giving attention to both, they may have issues they need to deal with on their own. If they didn't exhibit any discomfort - or even if they did - and you did nothing more than chat with them, it may be time for you to re-examine your beliefs about male/female interaction.

As a woman, I could be out of touch with the guy's perspective. So, guys, what think you? I'll post a selection of answers next week.

Incidentally - are you enjoying reading dear_lizzy? If so, please promote it in your journal. I need more questions to keep the column going. Thanks!

Busy? Me? Nah...

2006-03-15T14:02:03Z

Y'know what's scary? It took me until this morning to realize that I posted this week's article a day early.

Yawn and Cynical Romantic

2006-03-14T03:57:15Z

Dear Lizzy,

I am not a morning person. When I walk in to work from the parking lot in the morning (which takes 5-10 minutes), I'm still waking up. I'm grumpy and tired and I don't feel social yet. I want to have a last minute of quiet time to clear my head before I start the day. So what do I do when a co-worker sees me walking in at the same time and wants to chat? Once someone says "Hi" to me, I don't know how to get rid of them.

Signed,
Yawn

Dear Yawn-y,

People generally respond by the signals we give. If they persist in acting ways we don't like, either they're completely oblivious, or we're giving signals that we don't realize and don't wish to give. So, some general rules to ask people to leave you alone:

Make eye contact for a brief second while nodding/saying hello, then look past them.
Look as though you are intent on obtaining an objective that doesn't involve them.
Do not believe that you are required to respond to pleasantries. If people talk to you, answer in monosyllables, or incoherent grunts.
If they ask you how you are this morning, respond (jovially), "Pretty anti-social, actually. Give me a half an hour, I'll be a bit more ready to face the world." It's amazing what you can say and have people take it well if it's said with a smile on your face.

Really, the important thing is to remember that YOU get to make the rules for you. If you inform people of the rules politely, then continue on your merry way, those same people are generally pretty good about treating you the way you'd like to be treated.

Dear Lizzy,

A while ago, I spent a few years dating a guy who was really bad for me. In the course of the relationship, I lost confidence in my judgement, my self-worth, and even my memory.

The thing is, I didn't realize until after we broke up how bad it had been for me. It wasn't until six months later, when I noticed how much better I felt about myself and my life and, really, the whole world, that it occured to me to question whether I should have been dating him.

I've put a lot of thought into why I made the choices I did, and I don't really think I would pick the same kind of guy again, but I still feel like the only way to be sure I don't get hurt is to keep the men I date at arm's length. This leaves me feeling vaguely unsatisfied, as well as being a disservice to guys who are probably actually quite nice.

Do you have any advice on how to regain my faith in men, and in my own judgement about men?

A Cynical Romantic

Dear Cynicy Reader,

There are a few ways you can approach this:

1) Decide that the belief that you must have complete and utter trust in any man you're with - even when you don't know him well yet - is part of the conditioning that got you into the last mess. Shove off the feelings of guilt, watch him with a wary mental editor whilst enjoying what he has to offer. Once you know him better, you'll know for certain exactly how far you can trust him rather than taking it on blind faith. Learn to trust him as you would trust any new friend - within bounds at first, and with increasing freedom as he proves worthy of that trust.

2) Take it on blind faith that he's a good guy, and act accordingly - EXCEPT.... schedule re-assessment dates ahead of time. Once every two weeks at first, then once a month if things continue smoothly. On reassessment day, have a couple hours or so scheduled to be by yourself. Journal on the following topics:

How you feel about yourself.
How you feel when you're with him in company.
How you feel when you're alone with him.
How you would rate the relative worth of each of you as human beings.
Whether or not you are happy, and why. List reasons both to be happy and to be depressed.

Spend at least an hour journaling, shutting everything out of your mind except what you're writing about. Do not try to analyze what you're writing.

After you journal, READ what you have written. Read it carefully. Try to think how it would sound to you if someone else had written it. Figure out what relationship advice you would give that person. Follow your own good advice.

Last but not least, some advice for St. Patrick's Day:

Don't drink the green beer. Buy the good stuff.
Do not, do not, a thousand times do NOT request "Oh Danny Boy".
Never leave the t-shirt you wore to the bar on the table. I lost one of my favorite shirts that way.
Don't agree to dance on camera unless they cordon off the area to keep out the drunks who want to wave hi to mom.
Don't expect a good concert experience, even if the band is really, really good. The sound mix will be off and the stench overwhelming. However, it mightn't be a bad time to hit on a cute musician.
Ask whether he's ever had cold sores before kissing him, for pity's sake.
Last but not least....have fun, and be safe!

Column placeholder

2006-03-08T02:28:37Z

This is not really a column. If this were a real column, there would be questions, or at least an article in place of questions. Stay tuned next week, for fun with St. Patrick's Day advice.

In the meantime, ask more questions!

What I've learned thus far

2006-03-01T01:28:16Z

This week's column is a bit different than normal. Instead of answering questions, I'm presenting bits of wisdom that I've learned the hard way. You will apply none of this advice to your own life until you have already gone through the situation and worked it out for yourself. With luck, however, this will help you work it out more quickly, or give you affirmation that your conclusion was correct.

Love Relationships

Requirements for a Good Long-Time Mate:

Can talk to him as you would to your best friend – same topics that interest you
Can relax with him
Can be undignified in front of him
Enjoy listening to him, and feel that he enjoys listening to you
Are sexually compatible with him (more important than you might think. The rest are “more important”, but without this, it’s best to stay friends)

If you feel your SO is better than you – not better in a particular area, but just “better than” in a general sense – examine why. There are several reasons why this is important.

Unequal relationships don’t work. Continuing to feel of lower worth will destroy your relationship, even if you stay together.
The feeling of low self-worth will increase, not pass away.
Your SO may be subtly encouraging this attitude – sometimes without consciously intending to – to make him/herself feel like a better person.

If you feel like you are better than your SO, examine your reasoning. “A marriage where either partner cannot love nor respect the other, that cannot be agreeable...to either party.”

If you’re having problems in bed, don’t assume that it’s your fault. It may be that you’re not experienced enough – but it may simply be that you and your partner have different sexual preferences. Find a new partner, quickly – or at least break off the old relationship. Feeling inadequate in bed will seriously affect your self esteem over time.

If you’re having problems in bed, don’t assume that the problem is physical, or even necessarily that the problem is really about sex.

Languishing and being miserable is not the way to win the type of man worth having. No matter how tempting it is to get someone else to run your life, you’ll soon discover either that your life doesn’t belong to you anymore, or that your SO can’t understand why you don’t take his advice every time he deigns to give it.

It is possible to love more than one man, because each man has different qualities to love.

Sometime what you think is love is merely the strength of your yearning to be loved.

Beware of men who treat you differently when you’re in company.

Know Thyself

Self exploration is painful. Not performing self exploration causes long-term angst, depression, pain, upset, and failure to achieve some of one’s most cherished goals.

Question your beliefs. Frequently.

Differentiate between your instincts and your habitual behavior.

A person’s actual appearance, intellect, skills, abilities and talents have absolutely no relationship with her/his self-esteem.

Good self-esteem is fed by glimpsing yourself through the eyes of other people. Occasionally ask friends for reality checks – ask how they perceive you in terms of specific criteria.

Everyone has some facet of themselves that they feel others should revile. Realize that you’ve not alone in your fear that someone will “find out” what an awful person you are, and accept that lack of perfection is, as it happens, just fine.

No number of compliments will improve your self-esteem unless you allow yourself to believe them. In the end, you are the only person who can make you think well of yourself.

Self esteem is a learnable skill which must be practiced or it weakens with disuse.

Everyone feels paranoid and uncomfortable when they feel more exposed than they’re accustomed to.

Greatness is achieved by pursuing your interests to insane lengths.

Don’t let other people define what should be important to you.

Meeting People and Interacting with Others

When meeting a new person, they are probably as intimidated by you as you are of them.

It’s easiest to find people who will see the best in you by striving to see the best in other people.

The only way to grow comfortable in a situation is to expose yourself to it repeatedly, and to concentrate on finding at least one aspect of the experience that you enjoy.

What you imagine people to be thinking and what they actually are think are frequently entirely different things.

What is good for others may not be good for you, and vice versa.

You don’t have to be witty and entertaining – being friendly and willing to listen and encourage the other person to talk is sufficient to make a good impression. (Hopefully, they will be encouraging you to talk as well, by asking questions.)

To garner compliments, be gracious in accepting them. Simply say “thank you”. If you seem abashed or if you make a big deal out of the compliment, people will make a point of not upsetting you in the future.

Realize that a compliment, or someone being interested in you, in no way obligates you to return the admiration or interest.

People may feel threatened by your achievements – i.e., you being "better than" they are in some area. While you can acknowledge their discomfort, it is their problem to work through, not yours. Your duty is to enrich your own soul, not to limit yourself for someone else’s comfort.

Beware of men with bitchy wives.

If someone seems to agree with your bad opinion of yourself, cut off their pretense of friendship.

Tangled Tail and Shy

2006-02-15T02:35:35Z

Dear Lizzy,

I'm trying to grow my hair out, but it's extremely fine and feels disgustingly greasy if I don't wash it every day. I use conditioner, but it still gets tangled and breaks a lot, and it seems like an awful lot just falls out every day. What do you recommend for encouraging hair to grow out well, and what do you do to keep it under control?

Tangled Tail

Dear Tangled,

First off, hair will be disgustingly greasy if you wash it every day, and then stop doing so. Washing it every day forces the scalp to work really hard to maintain the right amount of oil on the hair - it also makes the hair ends more brittle. The solution? It's to have really disgusting hair for 2-4 weeks, I'm afraid, (and sometimes more) as your hair re-adjusts to less-frequent washing.

I wash my hair once a week - twice, if I step up the amount of exercise I'm doing, or if the weather becomes significantly warmer and I'm sweating more.

Hair does fall out at an alarming-looking rate - I can kill vacuum cleaners with what falls out of my head in a single day, I think. A week, definitely. Also, hair goes in cycles - approximately every 4-5 years, more hair than normal does fall out for a period of about a year, and new hair starts growing. Also, stress will make one more inclined to lose hair.

I will be honest: some parts of having good hair are simple genetics. However, there are some things you can do to allow your hair to live up to its full potential.

Eat lots of green, leafy veggies - daily!
Take a daily vitamin pill.
Exercise regularly. It increases the circulation to the scalp, promoting hair growth.
Give yourself (or have someone give you) a daily scalp massage. Again, it improves circulation.
Reduce your stress levels - ditto.
Wash your hair only once a week.
Don't use a hair dryer or curling iron.
Don't brush your hair whilst it's wet.
Use good-quality hair bands in your hair - fabric and leather preferably, rather than rubber. Try styles that allow you to put the band towards the bottom of your hair rather than in the middle of the hair. The more friction the hair gets, the more likely it is to be damaged.
Use a natural boar-bristle brush. (This I've heard recommended; personally, I use only a comb.)

As to keeping hair under control - there's a reason I got good at braiding. It's fast, it's easy, it keeps it from getting caught in car doors and chairs, and it's less damaging to the hair than wearing a pony tail holder high up on the hair. Good luck!

Dear Lizzy,

Recently I've started going to more sci-fi conventions. At some of them, particularly out-of-town, I don't know very many people. I'd like to get to know new people and make friends at these conventions, but I'm painfully shy and I don't know where to start. It seems incredibly rude to simply intrude on someone's conversation in the con suite, and attempting this usually gets me a cold shoulder, so I'm even more reluctant. There's nothing more lonely than being all alone in a crowd, but it keeps happening to me, and it's detracting from the convention experience. What do I do?

Shy

Dear Shy:

The short answer? Make yourself visible, helpful, friendly-looking, and cool.

Now, how do you do that?

Attend events that you're interested in, especially ones that encourage audience participation and interaction.
Volunteer to help out, especially at things like the registration desk and con suite. The concom will love you, and you'll get to interact with people in a steady but not overwhelming dose. Make small talk - "Did you have to travel far to get to the convention? How was your trip? How are you enjoying the convention? Seen any particularly good panels?"
Look people in the eyes and smile at them.
Work on hand crafts in the con suite or a convenient portion of a hallway that is busy enough that people see you, but with enough space for them to stop and admire your work. Really, the con suite is a better place. Make sure the handcraft is visually interesting, but one that doesn't take all of your attention to work on. You will look fascinating; people will come to you. I've even had this work whilst writing in a paper journal in the con suite. (I actually really wanted to finish what I was writing about, but I put it aside and enjoyed the conversation instead).
Listen to conversations in the con suite. Make eye contact and smile. If conversations are general, or the participants seem like they're just getting to know each other anyway, join in. If they're intent on something, really into each other in particular, or are shy themselves, that may engender the cold shoulder reaction you describe - you've just surprised and thrown them a bit.
Do research before hand - Google the convention, see if you can find blogs that talk about people planning to go. If any of them seem like interesting people, email/post a reply to their entry, telling them that you'll be a stranger to the convention, and shy, and what things are particularly fun to do? Chat with them, and if they continue to seem like interesting people, make arrangements to meet them.
Look like you're having fun at whatever you are doing. People who are having fun are people that other people want to have fun with.
When talking, ask open-ended questions, and *listen* to the replies. Don't ask questions that can be answered with one word, but also don't ask questions that require lengthy and detailed replies. Be interested in what the other person has to tell you.
Seek out other people who aren't having conversations, and strike one up. Sometimes it's the book reader in the corner who would love to talk but is trying to look like they don't mind that they don't have anyone to talk to either. If they really don't want to be talked to, they'll tell you, and that's fine.
Take advantage of autograph lines. Ask people on either side of you about themselves, about what they're getting signed, about when/how they got into fandom (in general or for this particular person whose autograph they want).
Try to find out some neat thing about each person you talk to. Everyone has something special about them - see if you can find out what it is. It may even be that they make you reconsider your own perspective on life, because theirs is so different.
Be confident that *you* have something to contribute to a conversation, have something useful to say. This is easier if you are in the midst of doing things you love to do - see the first point about going to the sorts of panels that you're interested in.
Compliment someone else's buttons/craftwork/clothing. Ask them where they got the item/how long they've been working on it/where they learned the craft.
Wear a button that says "Talk to me - I'm new here!" or "Hi, I'm shy. Feel free to talk to me."
If you're feeling really daring, you might even put a message up on the message board looking for dinner companions.

Try it - I know you're an intelligent, talented woman. All you need is a bit of practice. You'll do fine.

And, on a side note.... LJ's spelling suggestions for craftwork: craft work, craft-work, groundwork, gravedigger. Wow....

Spotty and Sleepless

2006-02-08T00:32:16Z

Dear Lizzy,

I have a dreadful breakout of acne that I can't seem to get rid of. I get it now and then, but a breakout of this magnitude is kind of unusual for my skin. Nothing seems to help-- moisturizing, washing regularly, acne cleansing soaps...

I am considering seeing a dermatologist but I kind of want to avoid ending up taking prescriptions or using anything harshly chemical.

What products, methods etc. would you (and/or your readers) recommend?

Spotty

Dear Spotty,

First off, consider things like:
- Your stress level
- Whether you've been rubbing/touching your face a lot
- Whether you've been around when greasy foods are being cooked/where there's lots of pollution ick in the air

Some people - especially women - can continue to have acne issues into their 40s and 50s. Despite popular myth, it is NOT caused by eating too much sugar or fatty foods.

Acne is caused by oil and dead skin cells clogging pores, and bacteria in the pores replicating quickly in this ideal (for them) breeding ground. Outbreaks can be exaggerated by hormones (especially around the time of menstruation for women) and stress. Friction (hats, tight collars, backpacks ((for acne on back)), helmets, etc) can also cause a flare-up. Picking at pimples also tends to spread the inflammation by pushing the bacteria deeper into lower layers of skin.

According to health.yahoo.com, here are some things you can do about it yourself.

Washing your face twice a day with warm water and a mild soap will help remove dead skin cells and excess oil. However, scrubbing vigorously or using harsh soaps or alcohol-based products will irritate your skin and make acne worse. If your hair is oily, you might want to wash it every day.

Exposure to grease, such as working around frying foods, or using pore-clogging cosmetics or hair products can also worsen acne. While mild sun exposure can lessen the redness of acne, excessive exposure to ultraviolet rays from sunlight or a sunlamp can damage skin.

For myself, I'd start with:

Wash your face twice a day with a wash cloth (not just hands and soap) and mild, soapy water. Don't use alcohol or anything terribly abrasive.
Pay attention to whether you're eating a lot of sugar or fatty foods. While they don't cause acne, eating comfort foods may be an indicator that you're suffing from a great deal of stress. Stress management would be a different column....
Keep your hands away from your face. If you have an outbreak in a particular location, watch yourself and see if that's a place where you tend to rest your face on your hands.
Stay away from greasy/polluted environments if you can, places where there's a lot of gunk in the air.
Consider whether it's really acne - it could also be an allergic rash, hives, etc. (This is also something to talk to the doctor about).

If none of this helps, go see the dermatologist. There are a variety of treatments available depending on the severity of the acne, from topical prescription creams, to pills, to - get this - light wave therapy. For more information, read http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/hw199515;_ylt=Ao0tjgLlFLpxAIfSq0pjBbb9urcF.

Good luck!

Dear Lizzy,

How do I make myself go to sleep when I'm tired but not sleepy, and I know that I have to be up early in the morning? I stopped drinking caffeine entirely because of insomnia issues, and by the time I realize that I can't fall asleep, it's too late to take melatonin or Benadryl and still be able to wake up in the morning. Help!

Too Tired to Think Up a Clever Name

Dear Too Tired,

Are you speaking of a one-off "have to be up early tomorrow" or a regular wake-up time? If the first, exercise a lot in the morning and early afternoon. Physically wear yourself out. Exercising too close to bed time, on the other hand, can be refreshing and energizing and simply help you to stay awake, but to feel good whilst doing so! ...yeah, not real helpful, come the next morning.

Also, figure out if anything is worrying you. Stress is a well-known perpetrator of sleepless nights. Again (as above), stress management would be a separate column.

Watch for a reply from nontacitaire - she has a great deal of experience with this, but was on the way out the door as I called this evening for input. In her absence, I'll tell you what I remember of what she's said in the past, and things that I know work for me.

If the sleepless issue is ongoing, consider improving your sleep hygeine.

Try to go to bed at about the same time every night. The body has a rhythm, and while it can be broken once in awhile, breaking it too often will confuse your body.
If you feel like you need a nap during the day, TAKE ONE, but keep it to about a half an hour. Getting too little sleep can actually cause sleeplessness, but being too refreshed can also keep you from being tired.
Create a bedtime ritual, something that takes perhaps half an hour, which will train your body to an almost Pavlovian it's-time-to-sleep-now response. This might include: changing into night clothes, brushing teeth & hair, washing face, going to the bathroom, reading for 15-20 minutes (I suggest poetry, or something broken into small segments), etc. Jumping jacks? Not really recommended, but it may work for some people.
Lie down and focus on your breathing, and nothing else. Sigh a few times - it relaxes the body. Alternately, count to three as you exhale. The exhale time should be leisurely but not something you have to struggle to maintain.
If you haven't fallen asleep after lying down for an hour, GET OUT OF BED. If you train your body that the bed is a place where you lie down and don't sleep, it will become a habit. Go do something else for half an hour - read, watch TV.... or, if you feel particularly hyper, now is the time to try 10-20 push-ups, situps, leg lifts - or all of the above. When you feel sleepy again, return to bed and lie down for another hour, concentrating on your breathing - rinse, lather, repeat.

Alternately, if you have the, um, "means" handy, sex is a wonderful soporific.

Poly inna closet and housekeeping

2006-02-01T03:02:52Z

Dear Lizzy,

Is it dishonest of me that I am not "out" as polyamorous to most my family? What, in your opinion, is the best way to break the news to them once we do decide (together) to do so? (i.e. tell them alone, tell them with the partner that they know, introduce them to the other partner, etc...)

Poly Inna Closet

Dear Poly,

There are, as I see it, three questions here.

1) Is it dishonest not to tell your family?

To answer this, ask yourself: is it dishonest not to tell the folks you work with, random strangers on the street, your friends, random social acquaintances? I would argue that withholding information in this case is not dishonest; it is merely maintaining your privacy. If you have a pushy family, they may feel they have the right to know your most intimate doings. They don't. Withholding private information does not constitute lying to them.

2) Should you tell your family?

Determine why you want to tell them.

If you want to tell them:
- Because the relationship is very important to you, and you want to tell the world how important the relationship is to you
- To make a statement
- To make a clear boundary between where "you" stop and "they" begin (see mention of privacy-invasive families above)
...those probably aren't the best reasons to tell them.

On the other hand, if you want to tell them:
- Because certain situations have become extremely awkward maintaining the fiction of monogamy
- So that the second SO can be included in family functions
- Because your family lives nearby, and/or are very much a part of your everyday life, and this will make life much, much simpler
...then those are probably some really good reasons to give them a clear view of the terrain.

3) How should you tell your family, should you choose to do so?

I polled several people on this. I got more advice on what *not* to do, rather than good things to do. However, stated in positives rather than negatives, it boils down to:
- Decide if they *want* to know. Some people are very much happier just not knowing. Remember that, even as you have a right not to tell them, they have a right not to know if they don't want to. Lead into it gently and slowly, so that you have time to avert course and choose not to tell them if it seems like they don't want to know.
- Tell them face-to-face, if you feel physically secure in doing so, and if spacial distance is not a prohibiting factor. (However, if they live far away, there is a much lessened need for them to know in the first place). If you feel they might be physically violent, do it over the phone - or choose not to tell them at all.
- Do it in a non-confining situation, socially or physically. Make sure it's not in the middle of a family gathering at which you are expected to remain for several more hours. Make sure it's not in the middle of a long drive or similar. In short, make sure that both you and they have the option of walking out on the conversation at any time. Feeling trapped, either physically or by social pressure, is bad.

To sum up, don't be ashamed to tell, but don't feel obligated to do so. It's your life, not theirs. You have a right to privacy - and so do they. Respect it, if it seems to be an issue.

Dear Lizzy,

I am a terrible terrible housekeeper. I hate living in the mess I live in, but I also hate cleaning. How can I motivate myself to clean more often and better?

Not the Happy Housekeeper

Dear N'Housekeeper,

Heh. I'm working on that one myself. Here are some things I have found useful:

When you do a cleaning blitz, take time to revel in the cleanliness you have accomplished. Take note of how refreshing and relaxing it is to have a clean environment.
Use cleaning as an escape from something you don't want to think of or confront directly. I've used cleaning as a way to order my mental state so that I'm ready to deal with something entirely different.
Schedule a specific 15-minute block each day that you'll do housework. That way, you don't think you have to accomplish *everything*, but at least a certain level of cleanliness is maintained. Also, if you schedule a specific time, you don't keep putting it off until it's "too late" at night to do it. It takes less energy to assume that you're going to do something at a specific time than to decide when/if you're going to do it each day.

How about the rest of you? Does anyone else have good suggestions?

My very first column...

2006-01-25T00:18:40Z

Dear Lizzy,

How do you tell your monogamous significant other that you've just developed a cold sore on your lip immediately after a convention?

Note: You've just told her three months ago that you *didn't* have any such cold sores in the past. And you haven't been making out with anyone at the Con but them.

Anonymous 1

Dear Anonymous 1:

Some questions for you.

1) How immediately? I'm guessing greater than 2 days, yes? (Incubation time is 2-14 days.)
2) Has your SO had a cold sore ever?
3) Did you have contact with anyone with HSV-1 or -2?
4) Did anyone happen to touch your mouth with, say, a finger, or did you kiss a hand?
5) Did you share a drink with anyone?

Here's a series of quotes with facts on Herpes virus (simplex 1, rather than 2, which also causes genital herpes), quoted from health.yahoo.com:

You can be infected with HSV and have no symptoms. For some people, however, cold sores can be painful. Initial symptoms can include mouth soreness, fever, sore throat, or swollen lymph glands. Small children sometimes drool before a cold sore appears. After the blisters develop, cold sores usually break open, weep clear fluid, and then crust over and disappear after several days to a week.
...
After the primary outbreak, the herpes simplex virus remains in the nerve cells below the skin in the area where the sores first appeared. The virus becomes inactive, causing no symptoms. In most people, the virus becomes active from time to time, traveling from the nerve cells to the skin and causing repeated blisters and sores (recurrent outbreaks).
...
The herpes simplex virus (HSV) usually enters your body through a break in the skin around or inside your mouth. It is spread through coughing, sneezing, direct contact with a cold sore, or touching contaminated fluid — such as from kissing an infected person and touching their saliva.
...
The virus can also be spread from one person to an area of someone else's body by touching an active cold sore or sharing things that a person who has a cold sore has used. A parent who has a cold sore often spreads the infection to his or her child.
...
Sores from recurrent outbreaks usually heal faster and are less painful than those from the primary outbreak.
...
Whether you have symptoms or not, you can still transmit the infection.

Note that it IS possible to get cold sores without kissing being involved. Did you share a drink? Did you have any cuts/scrapes near which someone may have sneezed?

So....first off, TELL HER. She should have the ability to make an informed decision. Also, she may be able to tell you if she has ever had cold sores - although, as noted in the quote above, she may be one of the lucky few who doesn't get visible symptoms. Show her this column, if you like. If she doesn't believe you've been faithful to her, the relationship isn't strong enough to last, and you'd best know now.

Above all, though, and let me repeat this point: tell her BEFORE you expose her to possible infection.

Dear Lizzy,

Friend A has behaved badly towards Friend B, at least that's what B has told me (telling B's new friends and business contacts how flaky and unreliable B can be... not my view of B at all, and a reputation she doesn't need as she's getting a new project off the ground.) Friend C and Friend A are not on speaking terms. I get on ok with A, but find her... hard work. Am I being disloyal to my other friends by continuing to be A's friend, or should I decide that A is trouble and drop the acquaintance? Is it just jealousy?

Anonymous 2

Dear Anonymous 2

Define (at least to yourself) what you mean when you say that being friends with A is "hard work". Is she demanding? Hard to please? Does she act superior to others? You say you get along Ok with A, but the next sentence seems to refute that statement.

Note that a low self-esteem (even if it leads someone to cut down everyone around them) is not necessarily a reason to stop being friends with someone.

Hearsay and other people's issues are DEFINITELY not reasons to stop being friends with someone. Friend B could also have low self-esteem, and be intimidated by A's airs of superiority.

Overall, my tack would be:

1) Stay friends with A, unless A treats you badly. If you choose to stop being friends with her, still be polite to her, and remember her good qualities. Doing otherwise will lessen your own quality as a person. Always look for the good points in others, even if you think that they are outweighed by the bad. Drifting away but remaining amiable is far more comfortable than deciding that someone is Evil and expending time and energy either avoiding them or dreading their presence at a social event.

2) Praise B's good qualities, both to B and A. For that matter, tell all of your friends the good qualities about both themselves and your other friends. Their reactions to the praise, both of themselves and of others, may teach you a lot.

Good luck!

Welcome to Dear Lizzy!

2006-01-24T03:55:37Z

Welcome to my first attempt at an advice column. I can't guarantee I'll be right. I can't guarantee I won't stomp on toes. I can't even guarantee that I'll be entertaining, but I'll try.

So - let loose with your questions. All comments are screened. When I reply, I'll post the letter and my reply to a new post. The letter will only have a name attached if you sign it in the body of the post. This is to maintain privacy in case you forget to log out to post anonymously (if you desire to remain anonymous). Yes, anonymous posting is allowed.

I will also post my reply to each question in a reply to the question itself, so that LJ's email response feature will work. Note that I don't post replies to anonymous postings, since I don't think one can access a filtered anonymous posting. (Feel free to inform me if you know it's otherwise). If I answer, it will be only in the column itself.

Ask away!